The Teen Years

And why is it that even those who’ve had ALL the answers in the early years suddenly find themselves STUMPED when they tackle the teens??!

Truth is, the teen years represent a huge, exciting, scary stage of development. But Maggie Dent (one of Australia’s most popular parenting gurus) has some practical, research-based, heartfelt advice on how parents can best help their teens survive – and thrive. We were delighted to catch up with her recently IRL* to download some of the wisdom she shares in her latest book, Help Me Help My Teen!

*internet slang for ‘In Real Life’

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GRAPEVINE: This is your tenth book – wow! What was your motivation for ‘Help Me Help My Teen’?

MAGGIE DENT: Just over a year ago, I noticed reports coming out about the increasing levels of struggle for teens – increasing depression, self-harm, body-image issues, and so on. As a former counsellor of troubled teens, I know how limited the resources are. Not only that, but there are barriers – financial, geographic, and logistic – to getting help from available mental health professionals. 

So what can we do for a stressed-out, struggling teen who can’t even make it to school? It occurred to me that a book might help empower parents to give their teens the support they need.

Not long ago, I was navigating all of this with my own four sons – plus their mates, my nieces and nephews, and all the kids I counselled. It struck me that, if I could somehow share the teens’ perspectives in their own voices, parents might understand that there’s actually a LOT they can do. 

GV: Great! So let’s get started! How did the teens respond to your research questions?

MAGGIE: Well, they need us to listen better … to avoid things like nagging and just telling them what to do as if they were still little kids. And they sometimes feel their parents are just waiting for them to fail in some way so they can pile on all the criticisms they’ve been saving up. 

We heard from teens from all over the world – Afghanistan, Korea, South Africa, South America … And I think they reached out because so many of them feel that they’re NOT being heard.

Parents need to reflect on the things their parents said that didn’t work on them – and avoid those things with their teens. Lecturing, shouting, shaming, and ‘freezing-out’ are not only ineffective, they’re also destructive. It’s easy to have a ‘deficit lens’ on when we look at our teens and only notice the negatives. So we have to watch that.

GV: But how can parents connect better with their teens?

MAGGIE: It’s a powerful shift when we parents change our need to be ABOVE our children and maintain power in the relationship – and instead move ALONGSIDE them to navigate the bumpy journey together. By being calm, curious, and compassionate, we can open a space to speak with our teens about any tricky subject – and begin having truly deep and insightful conversations with them. 

We must also let go of our need to be seen as PERFECT in our parenting. Having imperfect parents gives our kids space to make mistakes without feeling like it’s the end of the world.

GV: How about when teens feel that no one cares?

MAGGIE: Teens who’ve survived suicide attempts often echo sentiments like that: ‘I don’t matter … Nobody cares … It’s too hard for me to stay …’ I’ve often known these teens’ parents in country towns where I’ve been working, and I’ve known how much they DID love their teen – so that mismatch was heartbreaking and frightening. When teens say ‘I don’t matter’, they’re really saying that they feel invisible or like nothing they do is ever enough … or that they’re loved conditionally, based on their academic performance or some other measure. 

They often choose to hover at that time because you’re less likely to be busy (except for getting ready for bed!). So be present … pay attention … and be alert to nonverbal cues. If you pick up that they may want to chat, just remind them that you’re there to listen without putting pressure for that conversation to happen right away. 

GV: You mentioned that you want to help parents understand why the teen years are so tricky …

MAGGIE: Absolutely! Parents need to understand that during adolescence, the limbic brain grows in its capacity to feel things more intensely. The ‘inner critic’ gets way louder – fuelling ideas that they’re dumb, useless, fat, ugly, plus other horrible and untrue things – and that, in turn, feeds big emotions. 

It’s certainly NOT helpful when a parent responds to the resulting grumpiness with, “What’s wrong with you??!!” Combine those brain changes with major physical and hormonal changes … their search for identity … their growing need for autonomy … and all the social turmoil of finding and maintaining friendships – how could they possibly explain the stress they’re under and its effects on them?! 

It’s our job to explain to THEM how this time of massive change in their lives is normal, even though it’s stressful. And, even better, if we can warn our kids BEFORE they get to that stage of development – that they can expect things might be a little bumpy while their brain grows its decision-making and other capabilities.

I use the analogy of an emotional barometer to describe how our nervous system responds to ongoing stress. Our teens are already often struggling with dark moods, and then there are all the little stresses that add up throughout the day: an upcoming test … unkindness from a friend or rival … a bad performance at sport or online gaming … 

The ‘tipping point’ is often something that seems insignificant; it’s just that the cumulative total of all the stresses suddenly becomes too much. 

That’s why we’ve seen such an increase in self-harm and (particularly in New Zealand) suicide. 

GV: It can be tough, though, if you’re the parent on the receiving end of all that venting … right?

MAGGIE: For sure! It’schallenging – and hurtful – when they come in the door and offload that negativity by exploding at their mum. But it helps to understand that this happens because their mum is often their ‘safest’ person. While we may wish they’d just come in and say what a rough day they’ve had so that we can be all nurturing and comforting, they really don’t have the capacity for that kind of reflection. 

For our part, after we’ve been on the receiving end, it’s helpful to go outside and take a few deep breaths to calm ourselves down (let our own ‘glitter jar’ settle) … find our teen to show them some kindness … drop off a cup of Milo and some biscuits, or bring their pet to cuddle … then give them their space. 

Teens tell me that after they’ve offloaded all that negativity onto their mums, they often feel deeply regretful, but they’re not always sure how to express that. However, they definitely want their parents to know that it’s NOT intentional and it’s NOT how they really feel. 

GV: What else can parents do to help diffuse their teens’ stress?

MAGGIE: Parents can lessen the cumulative effects of those stressors simply by showing up consistently and being supportive. Think about small gestures you can make to show them that you notice them, and they matter. When your teen seems especially grumpy or moody, skip asking what they want for lunch – just relieve them of that decision and pack something you know they’ll like, plus an extra treat! 

Physical connections are important, especially for boys (who prefer fewer words!) – a little squeeze, a gentle punch on the arm, a hip bump as they go past … or squish them when you sit next to them on the sofa! When mine were particularly grumpy, I found that being a bit silly and ridiculous broke the tension. Laughter and lightness lift anyone’s mood, including the parent’s. (Bonus!) 

Think about ways to communicate to your teens your fierce, unconditional love for them. Even if you say it over and over, they can miss the message. Write it on a Post-It and stick it on their bathroom mirror, their laptop, or their phone. Write them a letter to put those feelings into words. Send them funny memes. Look for little moments of connection – especially during tough times.

Sitting down and watching crazy cat videos or other random things that you can laugh about together seems like such a simple thing, but just having that injection of humour and connection can be powerful in resetting our nervous systems. And that’s without even having any deep conversations or check-ins about homework, tests or anything else!

GV: You share Dr Lisa Damour’s insight about normalising big feelings for kids: “Mental health isn’t just about feeling good or happy.” How can parents handle their teens’ emotional ups and downs without overreacting or (on the flip side) appearing unconcerned or dismissive?

MAGGIE: Lisa says emotional health is about ‘having the right feeling at the right time and in the right context’. It’s normal for teens to be anxious about starting a new school year … feel stressed before an exam … or be upset about failing a test they really wanted to pass … But in the process of whatever they’re feeling, they have choices to make around whether those emotions are helpful or harmful. We can help support them in finding different ways of getting through these challenges. 

Sit down with your teens and help them create their own ‘Map to Joy’. When they’re in a good mood, ask them, “What are three things you can do to help yourself when you’re feeling stressed?” It might be things like walking the dog or identifying a playlist that will lift them up or calm them down. For some – particularly a lot of neurodivergent kids – going online and gaming is how they regulate themselves. 

Having them identify these three things and keeping the list visible means that they can reach for those self-regulation tools when they’re feeling stressed or upset.

Their brains are undergoing massive change, and they really need good, solid REM sleep for that. And when that’s missing, it has a huge impact on their mental health. So it’s important we put boundaries in place. 

Beyond those basics, you can look at the other things we know help the brain function better. Let’s face it, we all need dopamine to offset the cortisol (the stress hormone), and our kids get that from things like a crazy dance party … star jumps … staying hydrated … taking a movement break when they’re on their devices or studying … Those things can help reset everything in a positive way. 

When kids have things like that explained rationally to them, they can take the ideas on board and make better choices. 

GV: How about tackling tricky situations or making important decisions? How can we help our teens? 

MAGGIE: I noticed years ago that we were failing to teach kids in school to think deeply about things – but when they have to make difficult decisions in life, that kind of introspection and consideration is necessary. So, I began teaching kids some techniques to develop this deeper thinking. One is learning to consider ‘OPV’ – Other People’s Views – just stretching their understanding of other people’s perspectives or experiences. 

You can just sow a seed when you see a story on the news: “I wonder how that mum felt when her son was falsely accused of that crime?” … or “What might that have felt like for that family to have their car stolen?” This teaches kids how to zoom back a bit and consider problems or issues from different angles. 

Another technique is the ‘Plus/Minus/Interesting’ exercise. When your kids have a big decision to make, ask them to identify what they see as the positives and negatives, as well as the things that aren’t particularly pros or cons. With teens, the longer you leave the decision-making in their hands, the more likely they’ll come back with a balanced response. Despite teens’ reputation for being impulsive, they do have a voice of reason or inner compass – and they need time and space to hear it. When we try to force our ideas on them, though, we decrease the likelihood of them hearing and trusting their own judgment.

GV: What’s your take on the Australian government’s new ban on social media for under-16s?

MAGGIE: I’m all for it! I think parents and kids are beginning to understand the negative impact of social media on their wellbeing. I know that when we ban something for teenagers, a good portion of them will just find a way to do it anyway – they’re clever and resourceful. 

I’m very involved in the ‘36-More-Months’ movement, which champions the idea of ‘the later, the better’ for allowing our kids access to social media, and more and more parents are getting on board with that. They’re not handing phones to 9- and 10-year-olds as readily – because (as we now know from studies into brain development and maturity) kids’ capacity to make good decisions in the digital space is much better after 16 than it is before that point. 

Parents are recognising the need to have conversations about being responsible in how we use devices, instead of just accepting that ‘anything goes’. We need to be educated about what to do when harmful situations arise and how to navigate other issues with social media. 

But I also think that tech companies have a responsibility to put some boundaries in place, and they won’t do that without pressure from governments and parents. They don’t care about our kids. And there’s no accountability for the harm that happens on their platforms. 

We need to consider and discuss how tech companies are using our teens. They draw our kids in, because the more ads they see, the more money those companies make. 

When our teens become outraged that they’re being used by tech companies for profit, they’ll be more likely to manage their screen times. The same goes when they understand how they’re being used by tobacco companies, who are making record profits by encouraging vaping and addicting young people to nicotine. 

It should be US TOGETHER – us alongside our teens – against these companies that profit at the expense of our kids’ mental health and wellbeing, rather than us as parents just fighting everything in the digital space.

GV: How can we help our teens make better choices around tech use? Got any practical tips?

MAGGIE: We need to go beyond the usual, ‘Do your homework and chores before playing online …’ to things like boundaries around bedtime and sleep. Bedtime means all tech out of the bedroom or even a Wi-Fi block to provide an incentive for them to actually go to bed. If we maintain clear boundaries, even their friends will know that they’re offline and unreachable until the morning. 

This is key, because the worst things happen during that window. Their prefrontal cortex is offline at night, so they’re more wired to make poor choices during that time… 

Keeping phones out of the bedroom as much as possible is essential, because we know that ‘sexting’ or more impulsive sending of images happens more at night and from the privacy of teens’ bedrooms. About 94% of the victims of sextortion are boys aged 14-16. So we need to talk about knowing who you’re messaging, and about the risks of things like sextortion. 

We need to point out to our boys that if someone starts messaging them who sounds like a 14-year-old girl (and sexual predators are unfortunately so good at that deceit), of course he’s going to be tempted when she asks for a photo of his penis! But this isn’t a natural or age-appropriate girl-boy interaction for teens. 

We need to educate our kids about online dangers and encourage them to come to us whenever they encounter something that makes them upset, uncomfortable, or worried. We should communicate to our teens that there’s a strategy in place (like blocking people and collecting evidence, which can be presented to police if necessary), but that we’re not going to react by taking their phone away or banning them from using it – because that’s how they connect with friends, too. 

We want to give our kids the message that we’ll work together with them through any issues that arise, because they’re more likely to come to us if we’ve had that conversation. Teens who’ve had this kind of dialogue with their parents are often better at looking out for their friends, too. They’ll know what steps to take if something happens to their friend, so it has a positive ripple effect. 

GV: Wow! It’s a bumpy journey indeed How about a final word of encouragement for exhausted parents?

MAGGIE: Well, we need to recognise that it’s harder for this generation of parents, because they’re largely doing all this alone.

That’s why I encourage parents to find and create their own ‘tribes’ – others with similar-aged kids. It’s a long and rocky ride, and we can all step forward for our own teens and the others in our circle. 

Being willing to be a positive influence or ‘lighthouse figure’ will make all the difference for the next generation to thrive instead of struggling in darkness.  

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‘HELP ME HELP MY TEEN’ IS AVAILABLE IN ALL GOOD BOOKSTORES. FOR MORE INFO, VISIT MAGGIEDENT.COM