• Free Trial
  • Get the Juice
  • Donate Now
Grapevine Magazine
  • Recent Mag
  • Sponsor
  • Library
    • Magazines by Year
    • Articles by Year
    • Articles by Category
  • About Us
    • Meet the Team
    • History
    • FAQs
    • Feedback
  • Contact
  • Book
Select Page
How to open stiff lids

How to open stiff lids

How to open stiff lids
by Guy Browning

FOR SOME PEOPLE LIFE IS all jam, for others it’s just a jar with a stiff lid. Once you’ve got a stiff lid, the first thing to do is to get a wet dish cloth. This gives you a better grip on the lid but the downside is that it can give you a smelly hand. 

Feminists will do anything rather than hand the jam to a man as this would be a pathetic act of submission. What they may have overlooked is the terror in a man’s heart when the jam is passed their way. The stiff lid rite of passage is one few men relish. That’s why men often like to get tools involved at this point. There are special vice-grips that can grip anything. However, there’s something about getting your toolbox out that takes the edge off a relaxing breakfast. 

The best way forward is to stop and mentally dominate the lid. You get yourself into a frame of mind that even if the lid were welded shut it would now glide off. Generally this technique works well. Even if it doesn’t, you end up so mentally energised you can often go without breakfast. 

Try running the lid under a hot tap. The water should be absolutely scalding. You then grab the lid, burn your hand, and the sheer pain and anger will allow you to rip the top of the lid off without even bothering with the unscrewing action. 

Jams are vacuum packed and it is atmospheric pressure that holds the lid firm. Observing the fundamental laws of physics, it stands to reason that the higher you go the less the pressure will be and the easier you will open the jam jar. Going upstairs with the jam should therefore significantly reduce the pressure. And take the rest of breakfast upstairs to your partner while you’re at it. 

You can sometimes break the seal by giving the jar a sharp knock on the edge of a table. The top of the lid will suddenly go ping and you’ll know resistance is over. Alternatively there will be a sudden crash and you’ll know that you’ve got glass on toast for breakfast. 

Another way of breaking the vacuum is to pierce a hole in the lid. Remember that at any given time one third of people in A&E have attempted to do this. Jam jar piercing is the most common knife wound in the country. 

The ultimate weapon you have in the war against stiff lids is to wedge the lid between the door and door frame. This will give you a vice-like grip on the lid. Of course, this implies that you can get the door open and that it isn’t itself stuck. Or, heaven forbid, jammed.  

© GUY BROWNING IS AUTHOR OF ‘NEVER PUSH WHEN IT SAYS PULL’ AND CREATOR OF ‘TORTOISE IN LOVE’ (DVD) – USED BY PERMISSION.

Latest Issue & Articles:
Issue 4 2022

Issue 4 2022

What happened to our daughter

The hidden dangers of modern marijuana
By Tara Couture

Pick of the Bunch

Clever Hamsters & Wedded Frogs
by Phun Hee

You Ain’t Gonna Believe This!

Fun facts that'll blow your mind!
Keepers of the vine

Intimacy

The missing ingredient in your marriage?
Keepers of the vine

The Crispy Bits

Kerosene Memories
by John Cowan

Thought for Food

Porchetta PLUS Lousiana Pumpkin Pie
by Angela Redfern

Sponsor

  • Donate Now
  • Sponsor
  • Free Trial

About

  • Meet the Team
  • History
  • FAQs

Mag Library

  • Recent Mag
  • Magazines by Year
  • Articles By Year
  • Articles by Category

Get the Juice

Sign up to our enewsletter and keep up to date!

Follow Us

  • Follow
Copyright Grapevine Magazine. Privacy Policy | Terms & Conditions. Made with love by Husk & Ampersand Creative.