LOOKING BACKWARDS over my life, I can’t help wondering if I should’ve been a soldier, not a writer. I mean, my grandfather was in the army, in the trenches of WW1. My father was a sergeant in WW2, with stripes on both sleeves. And I enjoy nothing better than watching that hilarious old comedy series, Dad’s Army, on UKTV.
So soldiering is definitely in my genes …
However, any urge on my part to serve in the military was lost when, as an undersized kid, I started high school.
I’m not sure if the Government was expecting another war. But, once a year, our teachers would pretend to be officers, and we boys would pretend to be soldiers. They made us wear stiff khaki uniforms (that used to itch like hell) – and march in step (“left-right-left-right”) around the rugby field, carrying surplus 303 rifles (which we were instructed not to point at other kids).
We paraded in ranks according to our height (I was always at the far end of my row). And we stood at attention (“eyes front”) while our teachers – now “Major This” and “Colonel That” – strutted up and down, shouting at us. Some teachers loved the pomp and ceremony, and our headmaster was the spitting image of Captain Mainwaring. But, while we’d never dare complain, most of us boys hated it!
I vividly recall, as a timid 13-year-old, trying desperately to dismantle/clean/reassemble a greasy machine gun (which was taller and heavier than me) before our science teacher blew his army-whistle in my ear. And I’ll never forget standing for ‘uniform inspection’ in the hot sun until my headache got the better of me, and I would finally vomit in the grass, and someone would have to phone Mum to come and get me.
Was it worth it? Yes, I hope so. Our fearless show-of-strength back then is probably the main reason the enemy hasn’t attacked us for a while. But it put me off joining the army. I mean, for starters, they wouldn’t let me bring my mum …
JOHN COONEY, GRAPEVINE’S FOUNDER, STILL FEELS NOSTALGIC WHEN HE HEARS ONE OF THOSE OLD MARCHING TUNES THEY USED TO PLAY OVER THE SCHOOL’S LOUD SPEAKERS …
