• Free Trial
  • Get the Juice
  • Donate Now
Grapevine Magazine
  • Recent Mag
  • Sponsor
  • Library
    • Magazines by Year
    • Articles by Year
    • Articles by Category
  • About Us
    • Meet the Team
    • History
    • FAQs
    • Feedback
  • Contact
  • Book
Select Page
Backchat Birds

Backchat

OH NO! – THERE’S A BIRD!
by John Cooney

THIS MAY SOUND STUPID, but of all the things that could’ve wrecked my marriage, the thing that’s come closest is birds …That’s right, BIRDS! 

My wife hates them … is scared stiff of them … and holds ME personally responsible for getting RID of them.

She dropped her first hint during our courtship, when a romantic beach walk turned into a shrieking-and-hitting-me session … all because I tried some harmless fun with a dead seagull. 

She dropped her second hint on our honeymoon, when she ruined an idyllic picnic by running hysterically into a nearby toilet, crying, “DON’T EVER, EVER, EVER FEED BIRDS AGAIN!”

My adult kids still remember the day when our family bush-hike was hijacked by their mother, who suddenly screamed blue murder and cowered, terrified, in the undergrowth … not because she’d been attacked by a tribe of vicious wild boars, but because a dainty little fantail had dared to flutter briefly above her head.

I have been called upon to chase little, bewildered sparrows from our living room – “OR I’M NEVER COMING BACK INSIDE!” I have been summoned to pluck leftover feathers from a supermarket chicken – “OR I’M GONNA THROW UP!” 

And here’s what’s really unfair: when I appear, her knight-in-shining-armour, hell-bent on rescuing my damsel in distress, her screeching continues – AT ME!

Look, I’m not a heartless, uncaring brute. I feel sorry for my wife. But I also feel sorry for the birds. I’m very fond of birds – and have untold bird-photos to prove it! I just wish that they and my beloved could (as Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney so eloquently put it) “… live together in perfect harmony.”

Fat chance of that, of course. The best I can hope for is that the birds which bother my wife will fly to Canada … and forget to come back.  


John (Grapevine’s founder & ‘big cheese’) claims to like all of God’s creatures. But that’s not quite true. His wife is quick to point out that he’s scared of spiders. And wetas. And cockroaches. And frogs. And (on a dark night) even crickets!
Latest Issue & Articles:
Issue 4 2022

Issue 4 2022

What happened to our daughter

The hidden dangers of modern marijuana
By Tara Couture

Pick of the Bunch

Clever Hamsters & Wedded Frogs
by Phun Hee

You Ain’t Gonna Believe This!

Fun facts that'll blow your mind!
Keepers of the vine

Intimacy

The missing ingredient in your marriage?
Keepers of the vine

The Crispy Bits

Kerosene Memories
by John Cowan

Thought for Food

Porchetta PLUS Lousiana Pumpkin Pie
by Angela Redfern

Sponsor

  • Donate Now
  • Sponsor
  • Free Trial

About

  • Meet the Team
  • History
  • FAQs

Mag Library

  • Recent Mag
  • Magazines by Year
  • Articles By Year
  • Articles by Category

Get the Juice

Sign up to our enewsletter and keep up to date!

Follow Us

  • Follow
Copyright Grapevine Magazine. Privacy Policy | Terms & Conditions. Made with love by Husk & Ampersand Creative.