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Women in my life

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The women in my life
by John Cooney

I LIKE WOMEN. I MEAN, SOME of my best friends are women. My grandmothers were women. My mother was a woman. I’ve got two sisters who are women. And my wife is also a woman. (That’s one of the reasons I married her …) My daughter, my daughters-in-law and my granddaughters-in-law are all women – as are my four granddaughters and my three great-granddaughters!

However, despite the way women seem to populate my life, I’m still not sure what makes them tick. In fact, at the risk of being politically incorrect, the only thing I AM sure about is that men and women couldn’t be more different if they tried!

It’s not rocket-science, surely? The evidence speaks for itself: 

  • Women have longer torsos and shorter legs, bigger kidneys and smaller lungs, larger thyroids, bulkier pelvic bones, and brains that don’t weigh as much as a bloke’s.
  • Women laugh more easily, cry more easily, and will usually lose at arm-wrestling – but they’re a tougher breed when it comes to diseases and infections. 
  • Women live longer, need more sleep, and are far less likely to jaywalk, pick their noses in public, or plonk their elbows on armrests in planes. 

But wait … there’s more:

  1. When women are depressed, they either eat or buy shoes. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
  2. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
  3. Women don’t sweat, burp, fart or snore – therefore they have to nag, otherwise they would explode.
  4. And when the alarm goes off in the morning, men wake up looking pretty much the same as they did when they went to bed – whereas women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Oh, one more thing, before I self-destruct:

  • Women have the last word in every argument – anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument! 

JOHN COONEY, GRAPEVINE’S FOUNDER, ENJOYS BRAGGING ABOUT HIS EVER-EXPANDING FAMILY, AND PLANS TO DIE YOUNG AS LATE AS POSSIBLE.

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