The Gratitude Project

A CONVERSATION WITH JANICE KAPLAN

WHAT A CRAZY WORLD THIS IS! One minute life’s ticking along normally, and then – WHAM! – something turns it upside-down. An unexpected illness, a relationship breakup, the loss of a job, or a global pandemic – there’s always another bump in the road. 

Some people weather those storms better than others – they can always see the sunshine beyond the clouds. But for others, that ability to look on the bright side is baffling – and people like that must be faking, or lying: “You think there’s something to be grateful for when the world’s on fire? You’re joking, mate!”

However, the evidence is compelling: we humans feel better – and healthier – if, no matter what the circumstances, we can find a reason to smile and be thankful. And that evidence caused New York Times best-selling author and journalist, Janice Kaplan, to conduct an experiment and change her perspective on life, just for 12 months. She wanted to find out if being intentionally grateful would make any difference to how her year went. 

She chatted with us recently about her gratitude project – and the resulting New York Times Best Seller, The Gratitude Diaries.

GRAPEVINE: What prompted your gratitude project? And what did it involve for you personally?

JANICE KAPLAN: I had recently left as the editor-in-chief of a major magazine in America, and a large foundation asked me to do a national survey on gratitude. The results of that survey were really interesting. More than 90% of people said they thought that gratitude could make you happier – and a very similar percentage expressed being grateful for family and friends. But only about half of the people said they actually expressed gratitude. 

But, then, at a New Year’s Eve party, I found myself wondering what might make the year ahead better for me … 

I have a nice life. But I wondered what could I change so that, in 12 months time, at the next New Year’s Eve, I’d be able to say, “Wow – that was the best year I’ve ever had!”? And I realised then that it wasn’t the events that occurred, but my attitude, that would make the difference. 

So I challenged myself to spend the year living more gratefully, and see what happened … 

It started as a literary device. I’m a writer and a journalist, and I thought this would be a fun thing to do. But I never anticipated that it really was going to end up being one of the happiest years of my life. Nothing particularly dramatic happened to account for that happiness, except that I spent the year being grateful … researching gratitude … looking for the positive. And it ended up having a very profound effect on me.

GV: Doing that research and talking with neurologists, psychologists, and experts of all sorts, what did you learn about the topic – especially the effects on the brain – of practising gratitude?

JANICE: One of the psychologists I interviewed, Dr Brent Atkinson (professor emeritus of marriage and family therapy at Northern Illinois University), explained that circuits in the brain can be primed to create feelings of connection. What we’re really trying to do is to ‘rewire’ our automatic responses; changing what we say every day, changing what we do every day, can actually affect our neural circuits. 

The simplest way to think of it is like your muscles: if you lift weights every day, your biceps will get stronger. You won’t notice a difference right away, but if you keep at it, over time the changes will be noticeable. In the same way, if you use those neural pathways every day in ways that lead to feelings of connectedness, they’re going to get stronger. 

Brain imaging shows that even just thinking about something changes our neural cortex. So when you practise gratitude, you’re using the neural circuits of connectedness, affection, and positive feelings – and they become a greater part of your brain circuitry and consequently, your life.

GV: In the book, you write that: “Gratitude is long-lasting and impervious to change or adversity. It requires an active emotional involvement – you can’t be passively grateful, you actually have to stop and feel it.” How did you manage to stop and feel grateful in the midst of a busy life?

JANICE:  Some people talk about keeping a ‘gratitude journal’ – to get you to focus and stop and notice things. But for lots of us that can seem like a burden. The idea that we’re supposed to find time to write an essay at the end of the day can be daunting. And gratitude should never be a chore. So I came up with an idea: simply place a pen and paper next to your bed and promise yourself that every night, for one week,  you’ll write down one thing you feel grateful for. 

Everybody can do that. You’ll wake up and have your first cup of coffee or tea, and maybe that’s the thing you’re grateful for that day – easy. Or perhaps it’ll get to four o’clock in the afternoon, and you haven’t been thankful for anything all day – but you’ll think of that scrap of paper, and it forces you to stop and look around and take notice of something that you can be grateful for. 

GV: It’s so small and so simple, but a great place to start. And those little bits of positivity really change your attitude – right? 

JANICE: Definitely. Let’s say you’re caught in terrible traffic. It’s aggravating, and you find your temper rising. But you can stop yourself from spiralling into the negative response by considering the likelihood that there’s a car accident up ahead – and while, for you this is an inconvenience, for someone else it’s a lot worse. 

Right now where I live, because of the COVID-19 pandemic, people are standing in line to get into grocery stores. It can be depressing and scary to see how life’s changed … but you can also stop and think, “Well, we’re actually lucky that we have grocery stores – and that people are working to keep the shelves stocked. I’m really thankful for that, and I’m grateful to them.” 

It’s not just about saying thank you to the essential workers, which we certainly should do. It’s also about feeling that gratitude deeply in yourself. Any situation can be reframed to the positive. I think we can sometimes distrust that – we think it’s somehow dishonest failing to point out the negative aspects of a situation. But really, I don’t think there’s anything more legitimate about a negative view over a positive one. There’s that line from Hamlet that goes, “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” In other words, how we think about something ends up being what it is. 

Another thing that helps a lot is: get out of the habit of complaining – and avoid commiserating with others when they’re complaining!

GV: That’s easier said than done, right?!

JANICE: Absolutely! We tend to bond when we’re complaining, don’t we?! You run into someone on the street and you say, “Miserable weather we’re having, isn’t it?” – and they happily join in on how cold or rainy it’s been. But I’ve learnt that people are just as happy to bond over positive perspectives. 

While I was writing the book, I noticed how someone would mention the bitter winter we were having that year – and I’d respond with a comment about how I love the cosy pashmina scarves that were selling on every street corner in New York. And, all of a sudden, our conversation would shift to how great it was that we could bundle up and keep warm. By avoiding just jumping in with more complaints, and instead, mention something positive – we helped each other!

GV: In your first ‘season’ of gratitude, you focused on showing gratitude in your marriage. One of the experts you mentioned, Dr Brent Atkinson, developed a new approach to couples-counselling based on the idea of priming our thoughts towards the positive … Can you explain that for us? 

JANICE: Yes. One of Dr Atkinson’s favourite techniques is to have his clients send a daily email to their spouse, listing something they appreciate and something that made them feel positive about their partner. It’s a simple exercise, but it has really powerful results. Dr Atkinson pointed out that we mean to say thank you, we don’t mean to take our spouse for granted, but life gets busy! We really need that habit of daily, intentionally, showing gratitude – and it’s a great boost to our marriage. By doing this, not only are we letting our partner know we appreciate them, but we’re rewiring our brain to strengthen those feelings of connection. 

And it’s really important, because we all tend to overlook what our partners do.

GV: Did practising gratitude transform your marriage?

JANICE: Dramatically! We started noticing each other again. I’m married to a really wonderful man, but we’ve been married for a very long time! And one of the things that happen in a marriage is that you stop noticing each other. Psychologists refer to it as habituation, which means you get used to stuff. So whether it’s a spouse or a car or a diamond ring, you think it’s going to make you incredibly happy – but what actually happens is that you get used to it, and you start wanting more and more. 

We do that especially with our spouses – we’re always wanting more from them, and expecting them to fulfil us in more ways. And we stop noticing the things about them that made us so happy to start with! 

My husband’s a doctor. And I often used to feel resentful when he’d have to get out of bed to see a patient in hospital in the middle of the night. But one night during my gratitude project, I woke up and heard him getting dressed quietly to go and see a patient. I started feeling that usual tension and negativity building – but, this time, I stopped myself and wondered how I could reframe it. I realised that I’m married to a kind, caring man – and his patient was probably feeling really worried and unwell. When he showed up at the hospital, it’d be so wonderful for her to have someone familiar and kind there to look after her …

It completely changed my mindset and my feelings to think about it that way – even my body felt different because the tension disappeared. I got up and told my husband how much I appreciated what he was doing, and how lucky I was to be married to a kind man like him. I think he was a little shocked to hear it – because I’d usually complain about him doing hospital calls! But being able to appreciate someone for who they are and what they do is really very powerful. 

I often joke that I’d intended to be grateful to my husband for a month – that was more than enough! But it had such a profound effect on our relationship that it continued for the duration of my gratitude project. (And it’s continued ever since!)

GV:That problem of ‘habituation’ doesn’t just affect our marriages, does it? Often, as parents, we complain about being taken for granted by our children – particularly our older kids. How can we cultivate a spirit of gratitude in our family, and teach our kids to be thankful? 

JANICE: Well, we can start teaching gratitude at the very earliest stages. When you sit around the table at dinner, even toddlers can be asked to think and share about something that made them happy that day. Or add it into the bedtime routine – read a story, and then talk about something good that happened. 

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to teach them about reframing things, to think about the good, and to seek a positive perspective on life! It’s not about undermining the things that happen to your child. We can’t dismiss the tears they’ve shed on the playground or minimise the difficulties they face, and we want to listen to our children with empathy and understanding. But don’t let that be the only thing they think about. Help them to finish the day on a positive note by focusing on the good things. 

Kids like that – and it becomes part of the ritual of their day. 

A wonderful thing we can do for our children or grandchildren is give them a sense that there are good things in life that they should always try to notice. Studies indicate that IQ only accounts for 20% of a child’s success in later life; a full 80% is determined by factors related to emotional intelligence. And empathy is fundamental to gratitude. 

Which is possibly why it’s so difficult for our teens in that self-focused stage of life!

GV: Does being grateful for what we have prevent us from striving for more, or doing better? Does gratitude undermine ambition?

JANICE: That’s one of the fears people have – that, if I appreciate where I am now, does that mean that I’m not looking ahead to where I might be? But in fact, quite the opposite is true. Grateful people tend to be more successful. They’re more positive – and people like working with positive people. In the survey I mentioned earlier, one of the places people said they were least likely to be grateful was at work. There’s this perception that, if employers thank their employees for working (which is, after all, what they’re paid to do), it’ll decrease their motivation to do anything beyond what’s strictly required. But again, it turns out to be quite the opposite: people who feel appreciated tend to go the extra mile. 

So gratitude and ambition tend to work very nicely together. 

GV: You quote the Roman philosopher Seneca as saying, “Things that are hard to bear are sweet to remember …” – can you explain? 

JANICE: Daniel Kahneman, who’s a behavioural economist and Nobel Prize winner, talks about the ‘experiencing self’ and the ‘remembering self’. He says that, as Seneca noted, things can seem miserable in the moment, but then we can look back at those moments with fondness or even triumph. Think about a challenging, steep hike you might have done: on the way up it can feel impossible … you can despair of ever getting through it … you can be in pain and on the brink of collapse – but when you reach the mountain peak, the view makes you forget the struggle to get there. 

The ‘remembering self’ tends to have a nice filter – it looks back at the exhausting mountain trek, and it sort of ignores the insect bites, the rain, the mud and the rocks that made your steps precarious. It filters out the burning in your legs and how you wished it would all be over (the things that are at the forefront of the ‘experiencing self’). Instead, it focuses your attention on the thrill of being at the top of that mountain, and how good it felt to look down at the beautiful vistas below. 

Our brains are good at filtering out the negative in retrospect. 

The value of understanding this distinction is that, knowing this, we can attempt to bring the ‘experiencing self’ and the ‘remembering self’ closer together. When we’re in the midst of the moment or the challenging activity, we can actually stop and appreciate it a bit more. We can sort of say, “Won’t it feel amazing when we’re up on that peak, after all this effort?!” Gratitude shouldn’t always be in the rearview mirror.

GV: What effect, if any, does gratitude have on health? 

JANICE: I refer to it as ‘Vitamin G’ – and I was surprised to see the extraordinary health-benefits that result from practising gratitude. It tends to reduce depression … it helps you sleep better … it lowers stress … it lowers your blood pressure … and it even seems to reduce inflammation, which we now understand is implicated in a whole host of health problems.

The research on this is pretty convincing. Dr Jeffrey Huffman, at Massachusetts General Hospital, found that the single most effective positive intervention for severely depressed patients was to get them to write someone a letter of gratitude. 

This was such a potent idea for me – the idea that gratitude could actually change our emotional state, not just from good to better, but actually from the very depths of despair! 

GV: You devote an entire chapter of The Gratitude Diaries to finding joy. How does gratitude help you to find joy? 

JANICE: Psychologists say that we’re wired to look for the negative. This made sense in terms of evolutionary biology because our ancestors needed to pay more attention to which berries were poisonous – and the really successful ancestors were those who were good at noticing the poisonous berries, talking about the poisonous berries, and remembering the poisonous berries. 

However, now that we’ve moved beyond those primitive needs, that tendency to hone in on the negative isn’t so useful. The modern equivalent of this is that five good things happen to you and one bad thing, and what do you want to tell your partner about when you get home? The negative one! 

So finding joy is about choosing instead to focus on, and give voice to, the positive things in your life. Once again, it doesn’t mean that the bad stuff is going to magically disappear – you’re still going to have to deal with that difficult boss, that unrealistic deadline, that challenging behaviour in your child … but instead of dwelling on those things and gathering extra stress by doing so, you can release some of that negativity, and balance it out by also acknowledging all the joyous moments and the things you’re grateful for.

GV: Did you find it easier to practise gratitude as time went on during your year-long project?

JANICE: Gratitude didn’t come naturally to me. My upbringing had conditioned me to focus on the negative – my mother tended to be pessimistic, and she passed along that negativity to me. But, with practice, gratitude definitely became much more natural. 

As with any habit, it starts out as something you must be intentional about remembering – which is why I suggest having that pen and paper by your bed each night, or making sure you stop a couple of times a day to notice the things you’re grateful for, or writing that email or letter of gratitude … because you need to do something that makes gratitude a habit. 

Over the course of the year, gratitude certainly became a part of my life – and I’ve continued to practise it ever since.

GV: How have you managed to remain grateful during this pandemic?

JANICE: I appreciate the situation I’m in and the family I have around me, and a couple of times a week before dinner, we do stop and say what we’re grateful for. We’re facing challenging times – it’s difficult for everybody. But obsessing about problems and complaining about them – calling your friends and repeating the same complaints about the difficulties you’re facing – doesn’t help as much as being positive. 

Instead, tell each other that you’re grateful for the book you’ve just read … or that you’ve had time to watch some great movies … or that you’ve been able to plant out your garden … or that you’ve got the cleanest house you’ve ever had! 

I know it’s not easy, but these are tough times for everybody. And we get through them so much better by looking for some brightness. 

It’s the only way we ever find a path through the darkness …