THE FOLLOWING CORRESPONDENCE supposedly occurred between a London hotel’s staff and one of its guests.
Dear Maid: Please don’t leave me any more of those little soaps. I’ve brought my own Soap-on-a-Rope. Please kindly remove the 6 unopened little bars from the bathroom shelf and another 3 in the shower. They’re in my way. Thank you. – S. Berman
Dear Room 635: I’m not your regular maid. She’ll be back tomorrow. I took the 6 hotel soaps off the shelf as you requested. I also took the 3 bars from your shower and put them on top of your tissue box, in case you change your mind. This leaves only the 3 new soaps I left today, as we’re instructed to do by management. – Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Regular Maid: Apparently Kathy forgot to tell you about the soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added three Camays to the bathroom shelf. I’m going to be in this hotel for two weeks and have brought my own Soap-on-a-Rope so I won’t need those 9 little soaps. Please remove them. –
S. Berman
Dear Mr Berman: On my day-off, the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps, as management requires. I took 6 of the soaps which were in your way and put them in the soap dish where your Soap-on-a-Rope was. I put the Soap-on-a-Rope on the shelf for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed on the shelf for all new check-ins and which you didn’t object to when you arrived last Monday. – Dotty, Maid
Dear Mr Berman: The manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me that you called him last night and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room, and trust you will accept my apologies. For any future complaints please contact me between 8am and 5pm on extension 1108. Thank you. – Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen: It’s impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel at 7:45am and don’t get back before 6pm. That’s why I called Mr Kensedder. I only asked if he could do something about those little soaps. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was checking-in today, since she left another 3 bars in my shower along with the regulation 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I’ve accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? – S. Berman
Dear Mr Berman: Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8am and 5pm. Thank you. – Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr Kensedder: My Soap-on-a-Rope is missing! Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own Soap-on-a-Rope. I came in late last night and had to call the bellboy to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. – S. Berman
Dear Mr Berman: I have informed our housekeeper of your soap problem. I cannot understand why you had no soap since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars each time they service a room. Please accept my apologies. – Martin Kensedder, Manager
Dear Miss Carmen: Who the heck left 54 little soaps in my room? I came in last night and found them everywhere. I don’t want 54 Camays. I want my ONE bar of Soap-on-a-Rope! Please give it back to me! – S. Berman
Dear Mr Berman: You complained of too many soaps so I had them removed. Then you complained that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned the 24 Camays, which had been taken, plus the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, didn’t realise I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues Soap-on-a-Rope. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room. – Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen: Just a short note to bring you up-to-date. As of today I possess:
- on bathroom shelf – 18 Camays in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
- on tissue box – 11 Camays in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3
- on dressing table – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquets, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camays in 2 stacks of 4
- inside wardrobe – 14 Camays in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
- in shower soap dish – 6 Camays, very moist
- on northeast corner of hand basin – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used
- on northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. (Note: stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.) May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will be ideal for future soap deliveries. One more item: I’ve purchased another Soap-on-a-Rope which I’m keeping in the hotel safe in order to avoid further misunderstandings. – S. Berman
