HAS YOUR CHILD ever seemed to sprout extra limbs at their Kindy’s ‘goodbye gate’? Have they clung – octopus-like – to everything within reach to avoid going inside? You’d (gently) prise one hand from the gate, only to find they’d wrapped a leg around the fence, while their other arm was gripping yours for dear life …
Or has your primary-aged child insisted – insisted – that you accompany them on every school trip … tearfully demanded that you avoid leaving them with a babysitter at all costs … and begged for you to remain with them until they’re absolutely asleep before you tiptoe out after bedtime stories each night??
If you can relate to any of these scenarios, you’ve got some experience with separation anxiety – and you know first-hand how intense this childhood challenge can be.
Separation anxiety tends to recur over the childhood years … It can happen out of the blue, or it can be triggered by an extra stress: a new school, a change of babysitter or daycare, or a social event like a sleepover or birthday party. For babies, it often starts at around the 10–18-month mark. The parenting books say it’s normal – but tell that to the bewildered grandparents when their grandson’s howling in misery and lunging desperately out of their loving arms towards the parent who’s just handed him over!
If you’re up against this parenting challenge at the moment, what’s to be done? Here are some tried-and-tested top tips for surviving separation anxiety:
1. LIST
Before launching into tips and tricks, apply your curiosity … What’s actually going on? Is there a genuine reason – beyond typical separation anxiety – that your child is so reluctant to be parted from you? Are they unwell? Have they had an unsettling experience that they need your help to process, or that requires some extra reassurance or action from you? Or does your child have some extra needs or issues that should be addressed before you can work towards greater independence? ‘Separation anxiety hacks’ aren’t helpful when some other parenting efforts are required. But if all’s well, carry on to the next steps …
2. BREATHE
It’s so easy for us as parents to get pulled into our kids’ emotions; but calming our own nervous systems and modelling warmth and confidence as we say goodbye does wonders in helping our kids feel calmer and more secure in the moment. Remind yourself – so you can communicate this to them – that they’re somewhere safe and that this is a normal event. A bit of separation isn’t neglect; it’s a natural way for children to develop resilience and independence. Breathe, and trust that it’ll be okay.
3. DIMINISH DRAMA
Being your child’s ‘favourite’ can feel pretty special, but saying things like, “Oh, she’s just a Mummy’s girl – she needs her Mummy!” can backfire in a big way. When your kid’s clinging to you, give them a cuddle and a squeeze before encouraging them towards the other caregiver (parent, grandparent, teacher, etc.) as you say goodbye, emphasising the fun they’ll have together and how soon you’ll be back.
Take the time you need to settle your child before this, but don’t prolong the actual goodbye. They’ll feel better once they’re distracted or moving into an activity they enjoy. That said, don’t just sneak away while they’re distracted. If you disappear without warning, you’ll diminish their trust and make them more wary and fearful.
4. PRACTISE
If your child is particularly attached to one parent, practise having the ‘preferred’ parent say cheerful goodbyes and pop out for a short while before returning. Keep it light, positive, and brief, and work on building up the time away from a few minutes to whatever’s reasonable for your child’s age and stage (and for your family). Start by leaving them with the ‘safest’ people – family members or close friends with whom your child already has a connection – before tackling things like Kindy or school, where they have to stay with less-familiar caregivers.
5. DEVELOP ROUTINES
For regular separations (e.g. school or daycare drop-off), keeping your routines simple and steady in the hours beforehand will help your child feel calmer. Unpredictable, chaotic and rushed mornings make for stressed kids, which means harder goodbyes.
Make time for unhurried connection in the hours beforehand, if you can – just sharing a chat over breakfast or a quick cuddle after helping them locate their school jumper can help them bank up some emotional resilience for the day ahead.
6. SEND TOKENS
Having a little token or reminder of home helps some kids. Planting a bright lipstick smooch on a tissue so your child can keep ‘a kiss’ in their pocket … spritzing your cologne or perfume on a hanky so they’ll have your familiar scent on hand … writing a small kiss ‘x’ in Sharpie on a littlie’s wrist … Small, simple gestures can bring great comfort when your child’s missing you.
7. CREATE RITUALS
When you’ve got some quiet time together at home, read a picture book like The Kissing Hand and chat about goodbyes. Invite your child to choose some signs or actions for a reassuring ritual when you’re parting from them … You might adopt a triple hand-squeeze or NZSL (New Zealand Sign Language) sign to communicate “I love you” … a little phrase (e.g. “You’re always in my heart!”) … and/or an extra-squeezy cuddle “to fill up your cuddle-bank” … You might end up with a crazy combination of things – and that’s awesome!
The key now is to repeat these rituals together each time you say goodbye. There’s a lot of comfort in repetition, and rituals like this help our kids feel connected to us even when we’re physically apart.
8. CELEBRATE
Celebrate the ‘successes’ – big or small. If your child’s managed to wave goodbye with a smile instead of dissolving into tears, acknowledge their bravery in doing so. When they’ve made a new friend or enjoyed an activity while you’ve been apart, help them to appreciate these positive aspects of their day away from you. It’s not about getting your child to mask their feelings, but about commending them for the hard work of processing those fears and embracing the sometimes-scary unknowns without their main support person by their side. And that’s a big deal!