SET A SOLID FOUNDATION for a new relationship or refresh one that’s tried and true by practising these basics. Your loved ones will thank you!
Attention, attention!
You’re home at last after a busy day, arms full of groceries and head full of ‘to-dos’ you’ve yet to tick off the list… Part of your brain registers that your partner’s already home, but your phone’s just dinged with a new message alert, and your kid needs help with homework… It’s only when your head hits the pillow late that night that you realise you’ve barely spoken to your spouse all week – and all that was just household admin!
Paying attention to your partner (and other family members) helps them feel like they’re not just part of the furniture! Devices and other distractions (even essential ones like work) can monopolise our attention at the expense of those around us, and we end up ‘checked out’ from family life, just going through the motions …
Being intentional about checking in regularly with your spouse – starting with greeting and farewelling one another properly – is a good start, especially if you go beyond a half-hearted nod in their direction!
Avoid accusations
“This is just typical! You ALWAYS leave your dirty clothes next to the shower instead of in the laundry basket!” “You NEVER ask what’s going on at my work or care about why I’m stressed!”
Accusations – especially the always/never variety – are easy to throw, but hard to receive! Communicating facts and feelings without making your partner feel like they’re on trial will prevent defensiveness (and stubborn refusal to change!). “I tripped on your jeans this morning, and I was frustrated that they weren’t in the hamper.” “I feel more loved and supported by you when you take an interest in my day.”
Bids for connection
She nuzzles up to him on the sofa, and he distractedly plants a kiss on the top of her head as he scrolls through the headlines on his phone. As they wash up after dinner, he asks about the book she’s been reading … She mumbles that it’s ‘pretty good’ while dumping a stack of dishes on the shelf, and the conversation’s over.
We have every excuse to ignore these little cues – we’re busy … there are too many demands on our time … we’ve been waiting to just zone out and do our own thing all day … But when your partner makes a ‘bid for connection’ – leaning in for a cuddle, asking for your attention or help, catching your eye while you’re doing something nearby – responding with attention and affection will strengthen your bond.
Even micro-moments of connection can sustain relationships. And in some seasons of life (like when you’ve got a young family, or when work’s particularly crazy), they can be vital in maintaining some sense of romantic love between you.
Benefit of the doubt
Your partner’s giving you one-word responses as you try to work out the family’s schedule for the week ahead. Are they mad at you? You guess they’re just not bothered … But c’mon – this has to be done, and their reluctance to engage is soooo frustrating! They’re so selfish!
We can be quick to jump to negative conclusions – even with our nearest-and-dearest (maybe especially with them!). But if we can muster some patience … pause in our reactions … and choose to give them the benefit of the doubt, we can avoid heaps of unnecessary friction and many misunderstandings.
Nobody’s their best self 100% of the time – cutting each other some slack and trying not to take everything personally will help keep the harmony. If you’ve got to address the friction in the moment (and you’ve got the time and capacity to do so with care!), try leading with compassion: “What’s going on, babe? You’re not your usual self.”
Communicate hopes and expectations
“Why doesn’t he ever check that the front door’s locked when we head to bed?” “Why didn’t she text my Mum to say thanks for dinner last night?”
Upspoken expectations lead to untold frustrations! When you wonder why your partner’s done something or not done something, ask them (with curiosity, not irritation!). They may have simply defaulted to patterns from their upbringing: Dad always turned the lights off and checked the doors and windows before bed … Mum always took care of the garden …
As adults in our own relationships, communication is key! Who’s in charge of house upkeep and repairs … remembering family birthdays and/or buying gifts … filling the petrol tank??
There’s no ‘right answer’ – but you need to discuss it so you’re on the same page! Same goes for uncommunicated hopes and dreams; we doom our partners to failure when we hide our heart’s desires from them (and when we’re unwilling to offer hints or reminders for upcoming celebrations!).
Conflict curfew
You’ve FINALLY managed to bring up that disagreement you never resolved yesterday, or to tell your partner how hurt/frustrated/baffled you were by something they did earlier that week. But instead of getting it off your chest and resolving it, the whole thing’s blown up into a big argument. Now you’re even madder, and they’re fuming, too! It’s getting late, but there’s NO WAY anyone’s going to sleep until you’ve sorted this out!
We’ve all been there – and the
temptation’s great to hash it out until the whole thing’s resolved, or at least until you’ve really said your piece! But there’s an argument for shelving discussions/disagreements at a previously-agreed-upon time in the evening (preferably 10pm or earlier!). You’ll be able to see things more clearly and communicate in kinder ways after a good night’s sleep!
Celebrate good times
Positive work review? Your toddler’s graduated to pull-ups during the day? You finally sat down and worked out a budget together? You did the local 5k fun run for the first time in forever? It’s your anniversary? Whatever it is, CELEBRATE!
Make a habit of celebrating each other’s ‘wins’ – big and small. It’s not about spending lavishly but about acknowledging the good times as they happen. Focusing on your shared successes helps you to enjoy them more in the moment and contributes to a sense of marital satisfaction in the longer term as well. The same applies to birthdays and other special days, too; make a fuss, go to the effort, and take the pictures. It’ll all become part of the ‘highlights reel’ of your life together.
