ROSEANNE BARR YELLED AT HER SITCOM HUSBAND DAN: “You’re such a … a … MAN!” and stormed out.
Bewildered, her son asked, “Dad, why’d she say it like that?”
“She’s mad at me, Deej.”
“But I thought it was good to be a man?”
“Not since the ‘60s, son.”
Is it good being a man? Those of us blessed (or cursed) to carry a Y chromosome have winced a little as the brand value of maleness has tumbled in recent decades. Partly this is due to the up-valuing of womanhood – a good thing, long overdue – but more because any privilege or superiority based on our external plumbing is frankly nonsense.
I still believe good men bring a positive tang to the world, relationships, and parenting. But how do you make good men? Manhood is a complex kitset assembled from lots of parts over a long time, but a key piece seems to be: other men have to tell a boy that he is a man and welcome him into the man club. And, for a lot of blokes, that never happens, and they remain Peter Pans … dropping the reputation of the ‘male’ brand even lower.
Most cultures have realised the transition into manhood is important and mark it with a ceremony. We don’t. And considering a lot of those ceremonies involved ordeals, killing wild animals that could also kill you, and a bit of ceremonial mutilation, the wussy part of me is rather glad we don’t.
So how did I know I was a man? There were milestones: being allowed to wear long trousers at school as 6th formers was a big one, and – to their immense credit – some of our teachers did try to treat us as adults. We responded to their respect by setting fire to rubbish bins and smoking in the toilets. We did not deserve those trousers.
Boys obviously crave something that identifies them as men and invent their own tests: getting drunk, smoking, getting a tattoo, getting into a fight, driving ridiculously fast, and seducing a girl. Immaturity putting on long trousers. The big difference between these illegitimate threshold markers and traditional ceremonies is that real men aren’t present. In manhood ceremonies in other cultures, it’s the men of the community, especially the elders, who say that a boy has become a man, and then they draw them into their company. That doesn’t happen when boys just show off to other boys.
In the 1970s, nothing said manhood more than beer. As a teenager working on our family orchard, having a beer with the other workers at the end of the day made me feel really grown up. At the time, I thought it was the beer that made it feel special; I realise now it was the fact that the bottle was passed to me by a man.
Likewise, I remember my Dad taking me to the Waipapakauri pub. I’d sneaked into pubs before, but that had just made me feel underage. This time it felt legitimately grown-up. Incidentally, I recall that on the wall of the bar was a string of letters: ‘I I T Y W I M W Y B M A B’. I asked Dad about it. He said, “If I tell you what it means will you buy me a beer?” I was shocked and said, “Okay”. “If-I-Tell-You-What-It-Means…” Ah hah! A man-to-man joke!
Are there ways to launch boys into manhood, preferably without damaging their livers?
Let’s make more of a fuss about getting a Drivers’ License. It has many of the hallmarks of traditional initiation rites: you have to be old enough, you have to prepare and then face a test that you could genuinely fail. When you pass, you are granted a privilege – the right to drive – and it is all in the context of rules and authority. No lion hunting required, just hill-starts and three-point-turns. (A friend drove over the examiner’s foot. Manhood was postponed.)
Let’s celebrate their first real job, moving into a flat, and graduations.
More than that, help boys emerge from the chrysalis of adolescence by treating them like adults. Taking them with you on your fishing trips with your mates. Asking their opinion. Giving them your company, not just your advice.
Nature will give our boys the hardware to be a man, but they have to download the software from other men.
AFTER DECADES STUDYING FAMILY LIFE, JOHN NOW FOCUSES ON THE ‘PRIME-TIME’ ISSUES OF LATER MIDDLE AGE. CHECKHIM OUT ON JOHNCOWAN.CO.NZ – ESPECIALLY IF YOU NEED SOME WRITING, EVENT SPEAKING, VIDEOS MADE, OR SOMEONE TO HAVE A COFFEE WITH.
