John Cowan’s no stranger to many Kiwis. He’s a trusted voice on radio … he’s written books and articles (including many for Grapevine) … he’s conducted weddings and funerals … and he’s photographed countless events across the country.
John’s also no stranger when it comes to parenting. He was parented himself, has helped raise three kids of his own, has welcomed grandkids into the mix – and has made good use of his years on the job by being a parenting educator and advisor.
We thought it was high time Grapevine picked his brains for some ‘hot takes’ and ‘top tips’ on raising kids – and we weren’t disappointed!
GRAPEVINE: How are parents doing these days – compared with previous generations?
JOHN COWAN: Frankly, I’m impressed. I get to see my kids raising their own children, and I’m in awe of the competence and knowledge of this generation of parents. I reckon they’re doing parenting better.
GV: How come? What’s the secret?
JOHN: Well, some of that improvement is thanks to the parents they have – because this shift to learn more about parenting began some decades ago. We also have a wide range of parenting courses, books and magazines available these days – and oodles of good, research-based information online. Few of those resources existed in the past.
It’s also worth noting that young parents clearly want to do it better. In our day, we may have felt anxious about our parenting, but they’re translating their anxiety into action – they’re learning better approaches to child-rearing.
There’s also been a social shift: The amount of active engagement between parents and kids has been increasing – especially for dads.
SHOWING THE WAY
Dads today are more likely to make their family a priority – despite having to work extra hard, because life’s tougher economically. There are still plenty of deadbeat dads, of course. But lots of fathers are taking parenting seriously, and getting actively involved with their kids!
What’s more, stats show that a working mum now spends more time actively involved with her children than a stay-at-home mother did back when I was a kid (in the 1950s). When mums are at home these days, they’re investing that time with their kids.
GV: Some young parents struggle with the judgment of older parents or grandparents. And comments like “Kids today have it too easy!” don’t help. Or “I was smacked, and I turned out okay!”
JOHN: I’d say, “I’m sure you did – but you didn’t need to be wacked for that to happen!” Kids growing up today are good kids! Removing the option of smacking has resulted in more creative, intelligent, and effective ways of raising children and dealing with discipline. It’s encouraging better relationships, and it’s protecting some kids.
When I used to get asked about discipline, I’d say that threats, yelling and bribes do work – but there are plenty of things that work better. I picked up the idea that “praise is the fastest route to change” – and I took that to heart. I found that creatively using praise to shape behaviour is far better than yelling, spanking, threats, and bribes for achieving the behaviour and the atmosphere you want in your family.
Of course, if you praise when it’s not deserved, then it completely devalues your positive input – so you have to use it appropriately.
GV: And what about discouraging antisocial or negative behaviour?
JOHN: Praise is good for that, too! When you encourage the positive behaviour, you’re likely to see more of it. There’s still a place for sternness, penalties, and consequences when kids misbehave – but I really urge parents to direct those things towards the behaviour and not the child’s heart.
FOCUS ON THEIR BEHAVIOUR
Telling a child, “That’s a lie …” is very different from saying, “You’re a liar!” Saying, “That’s stealing …” is a world away from, “You’re a thief!” One is labelling the action. The other is labelling the child – and that can be destructive and self-fulfilling.
But if you can tell a child off in a way that builds their self-esteem, it helps create an image of themselves in their mind that’ll inspire them to improve. By all means, let them know that you’re disappointed in their actions, “because you’re better than that!” But give them opportunities to win back your trust when they’ve blown it.
The most effective discipline deals not only with the behaviour but what’s behind the behaviour – their self-esteem and how they’re feeling about themselves. So you’re actively discouraging negative behaviour while at the same time promoting those positives that will build something better.
GV:And when the challenging behaviour persists – despite the best efforts of parents?
JOHN: “A child who feels right acts right.” Behaviour’s a symptom of what’s going on inside them. When there’s a pattern of consistent defiance, inability to get on with their siblings, and things like that – when a child isn’t acting ‘right’, he or she may need more attention. The parent needs to get curious: Why are we seeing this behaviour? What’s going on? Is he being bullied at school? Is she feeling unappreciated at home? Is our child anxious about something?
Of course, an explanation isn’t an excuse – but you also need to address whatever’s contributing to the behaviour.
OLD WAY/NEW WAY
We asked John how he would complete these statements – statements that might’ve been answered differently in the past …
1.“Kids need to learn that …”
John: “… they’ve got what it takes!” They need to know that they’re capable … that they can solve problems without always asking a parent to fix things … that they can settle themselves at night … that they can make friends … and while they may not be as good as others at some things, they’ll be good at other things!
They need to learn that they’ve got it!
2.“When kids misbehave, it’s a sure sign that …”
John: “… they’re kids!” Often misbehaviour is simply them being immature. They’re still learning, still developing, still pushing up against their limits and boundaries. Life is the laboratory of the child: they’re ‘learning how to be good’, and there’ll be many missteps and mistakes along the way.
3. “Good parenting means …”
John: “… enjoying your children!” Discipline and boundaries are all good, but they’re best instilled in relationship – and that comes through fun, cuddles and time together. One of the best ways to ‘discipline’ your kids is to spend time with them – reading stories, making things, having rough-and-tumble …
The relationship you develop quietly through all this is what gives you traction when problems arise. If you’ve got a child who doesn’t like or respect you as their parent, or feels alienated from you, you’re going to have to yell and bluster a lot to gain any traction with them – whereas if there’s a healthy relationship, you might need no more than a raise of the eyebrows.
GV: How about some tried-and-true ways to infuse family life with a sense of fun?
JOHN: There’s heaps you can do to add joy! Rough-and-tumble is a biggie – it’s so valuable. I mean, it’s a very physical form of affection, which many kids are starved of – and it helps children learn how to control their strength and their anger. You’ll be having a tussle and someone’s finger will be bent backwards, or they’ll tumble off the couch and land on a Lego block, and tempers will flare up – but you’re right there to help coach them back down again. It’s a great way of teaching all sorts of socialisation.
Bedtime stories are another fantastic way of spending time and building relationships.
Another good thing is holidaying together. Camping often features with families that do well. I take funerals these days more than I do parenting seminars, and when children share recollections of their parents as they were growing up, they often mention family holidays and camping. You really should find something in the budget that’ll help you create memories together.
GV: Have you got any extra advice for parents of older teens and young adults still living at home: , how to manage that change from full dependence to contributing more meaningfully to the household?
JOHN: Yes. My top tip is to clearly express your expectations. And your expectations need to be linked to what you see as their maturity. For example: “Now that you’re 18, we don’t expect you to be home by 9pm – but we do expect you to let us know if you’re staying out overnight.” Or “Now that you’re earning, it would be appropriate for you to contribute …”
If you’ve got a young adult who may be finishing uni and entering the work force, it’s worth having conversations about their expectations for that – and what kind of help or support they’d like from you.
FAILURE TO LAUNCH
We’ve got a lot of ‘failure to launch’ young people sitting on their parents’ couches and playing video games – so those conversations are important. But we should also be aware that depression is really common amongst young people at this stage. So be understanding and don’t get too grumpy!
GV: There’s been much debate in psychology about the influence on our kids of ‘nature’ versus ‘nurture’. What’s your take on that?
JOHN: My own three kids couldn’t be more different, and yet the parenting they received was fairly similar – so nature certainly has a lot to say in the matter. Truth is, I’ve changed my view on the role of parenting completely over the years. I used to imagine us as potters shaping clay, constructing the people our children will become – but now I understand that parenting’s far more like gardening.
We parents are given packets of seeds, and those packets don’t have any labels on them! So you plant them and nurture them as best you can, and you adjust that care as you see what plant’s emerging. You might find you’re raising a bean, or a flower, or a cabbage – so then you adjust your parenting so that they’ll be the best bean or flower or cabbage they can be.
My own parents certainly did that for me – they nurtured who I was, rather than who they might’ve liked me to be. My older brother played rugby for Auckland, and my dad was rugby-mad – but I was so clumsy on a rugby field that I could’ve run into myself! My ineptitude at his favourite sport must’ve broken Dad’s heart, but he worked hard to figure out what I was good at.
He greatly encouraged me in things like my photography – he even built a dark room for me at home. So he didn’t force me into a mould of who he thought I should’ve been – he was just discovering who I was, and he helped me to become that.
GV: Have you found that your gardening analogy is particularly true for certain kids – that greater adjustment is needed for some?
JOHN: Of course. You can apply some generalised ‘one-size-fits-all’ parenting skills – like being a firm, fair and friendly parent – but kids are all different! They can be leaders or followers … introverts or extraverts … people-pleasers or boundary-testers … Each has strengths and weaknesses, but all require adjustments to your parenting methods. And more particularly, some kids have real challenges, which require major shifts in your approach.
It’s not helpful to ignore things like developmental delays … learning disabilities … or neurodivergence like ADHD or autism – so tune in to those possibilities. I’ve fairly recently diagnosed myself with ADHD (terribly trendy, I know!) – and I just think, what a difference it would have made if my parents and teachers had known that about me. Maybe I’d have been encouraged and coached at school, instead of feeling like a dummy who could never finish anything and “could do better” in my reports …
You as a parent are another variable – and that’s influenced by how you were parented, your own personality, and all sorts of other factors. It’s part of the joy and the work of parenting to understand the kids you have, understand yourself, and just keep learning and discovering.
GV: What’s your favourite discussion-topic when you’re giving talks about parenting?
JOHN: One of my recent favourites is: coping with stress for parents and kids. The message is simple: make time for the things that give you energy, strength, and resilience.
STRESS-FREE?
If you want your kids to be happy, confident, and resilient, they need to have happy, confident, and resilient parents. That means carving out some of your limited time to properly look after yourself as a parent – having your own fun, your own friends, and your own activities.
When you’ve got babies, of course you focus entirely on them – but if you’re still hyper-focused on your kids when they’re school age, that’s not good parenting. That’s neurotic parenting, and it doesn’t do anyone any good!
You have to push past the martyr reflex that parents have, that temptation to put all your own needs aside ‘for the sake of the kids’ … because self-maintenance isn’t selfish. It’s maintaining your child’s best resource: YOU!
GV: Who’s been the biggest influence on how you’ve parented and on the advice you offer to other parents?
JOHN: My dear old Dad. He came back from WWII with wounds in his body and a messed-up head. My three siblings were much older than me – my eldest brother was 16 when I was born – and they had a different dad to the one I got to experience growing-up. My siblings had as their father this tough, uptight man who’d dole out harsh punishments … whereas I had this gracious old guy who’d give me prickly kisses.
I recognised how much he’d changed in himself and his approach to fatherhood over the years … Ageing may have mellowed him somewhat; but such a dramatic transformation must have required a conscious decision and healing on his part – and I’m endlessly impressed and grateful for that.
The fact that my dad could’ve changed his parenting style so radically, and the benefit to me of his efforts, have hugely influenced and inspired me. And I’ve largely dedicated my parenting education of others to his influence.
GV: Any last advice for parents, as we wrap up?
JOHN: Hold concepts of perfection very lightly. You can have general dreams for your family or what you’d like your kids to do, but if you hold tightly to these ideals and models in your head, you’ll struggle.
Your kids will be who they’ll be – and your goal is to make sure that they become the best of that they can, complete with a set of morals, values, and skills that will serve them and the world well.
AGE-BY-AGE … STAGE-BY-STAGE
John Cowan offers these ‘top-tips’ to parents of kids at each stage of life …
The First Year
To parents of babies, I’d just acknowledge that the first year of your first child is probably the most stressful of your life! Seeing my own kids now with their babies, I’m often reminded of this truth. Our motto when we went through that stage of parenting was, “Settle for less and settle for mess!” For example, trying to maintain the same tidiness standards you had before kids adds unnecessary stress – so just go easy on yourselves as you look after those babies.
Ages 1-5
These early years are all about reliable connection. Gradually your children will learn to accommodate times of separation, and practising reassuring farewells and happy reunions will help with that.
Another big focus at this stage is the power of play and fun! We’ve made the mistake of knocking play – as you can see from the rise of preschool ‘academies’ that mimic formal schooling for tiny tots. But the truth is, play’s a serious part of a child’s development. Play is the curriculum for kids to learn about themselves and the world around them … to develop strength and dexterity … and to build trust and relationships.
Primary School Age
There’s this huge relief when your child goes off to school – you feel like you’ve finally got your life back again! But I’d caution parents to avoid subcontracting too much to schools. You’re still the most important influence in their life, so take that seriously. As children begin to interact and connect more with peers, parents have a unique opportunity to instil relationship skills that’ll serve them well through the teen years ahead.
This can be as simple as making time to chat with them last thing at night … debriefing them about their day and demonstrating that you’re a good listener (not talking over them or pushing your own agenda). Then read a bedtime story, turn the light out, and linger a bit if they want to share more of their thoughts or feelings.
They need to know that the things that are important to them are important to you.
Adolescence/Intermediate Age
My advice at this point of transition is really, “Make friends with your changing child.” Build that relationship up over and over again as each new version of your child emerges, so you don’t get a shock when adolescence kicks in – like, “Who even is this kid??!”
It’s especially challenging for dads when their daughters hit puberty, and many of them begin to pull back – because there are huge taboos in our culture around men showing physical affection to adolescent girls.
But dads are a major source of self-esteem for their daughters up to this point, and it can be so detrimental for girls (just when they especially need love and reassurance) to feel like their dad is distancing himself from them. So as dads change gears in how they demonstrate their affection, they need to avoid seeming like they’re withdrawing their love for their daughters.
It’s also important to find a balance between kids becoming too busy and their being too sedentary. Kids today have a lot more scheduled into their time – more school activities, sports, clubs, and cultural events. Those things are great, but kids also need downtime. On the flip side, stats show that they’re less physically active – and despite their often-hectic schedules, kids are spending half their free time after school (and even more at night) on screens!
College Age
While supporting your teens in their growing independence, it’s important to link their liberty to their maturity. If they’re handling being out with their mates responsibly and coming home on time, you can extend the opportunity of a later curfew. If they’re looking after the car well and driving properly, you can loan it to them more often.
These years are about making their life a laboratory for how they’ll be living later in life. Introduce the idea of budgeting (if you haven’t already) and give kids some control over their spending. We gave our kids budgets for their entertainment, clothing, and so forth – everything except medical expenses – and it taught them a lot. They’d blow it occasionally, of course – spend too much on one thing and not have enough to spend on something else – but that was an important lesson.
They’ve all gone on to be much better at handling money than their parents were!
And parents need to continue keeping an eye on ‘balance’ during the college years, making sure that their teens are getting enough physical activity … having time for social interaction … keeping up with their homework …
Young Adults
I read recently that the median age for young men in the city to leave home is now about 28 – which can be a challenge, when your child living at home is actually an adult! This stage requires a transition in your relationship – building a friendship that you’ll both want to continue for decades into the future.
This means honouring their decisions … not talking down to them … and extending the respect and freedom you’d show to other adult friends – while still protecting boundaries around your own home, your own money, and your own freedoms and choices.
Listen to your voice when you’re talking to them and ask yourself, “Do I talk to any other adult in my life with this tone?” Because some parents still address their university-aged (and older) kids like they’re little children!
