MOST PARENTS WANT TO BE GOOD PARENTS. They don’t set out to deliberately alienate their children. They don’t suddenly wake up one morning, turn to each other, and say, “Hey, let’s have a couple of kids so we can torment them!”
No, just the opposite …
Most couples welcome the birth of their children with all the pomp and ceremony of a royal visit. Mum hangs wallpaper in the baby’s room. Dad goes shopping and wrestles with a kitset cot. And between them, they roll out the red carpet – plus the world’s largest collection of stuffed animals!
Finally, that wondrous day dawns. The baby arrives on time and is (of course) just beautiful! Dad emerges grinning from the delivery room, hugging total strangers and passing out cheap cigars. And Mum, exhausted but euphoric, promptly forgets the rude names she called her mate during the birth.
A new family has been launched: Mum + Dad + Baby. And all three of them stare at each other, wondering, “Okay, what’s next? And who’s in charge?”
Right now would be an excellent time for a new medical breakthrough: the ‘PARENT-PATCH’ – some time-released wisdom and patience, absorbed directly through the skin, designed to make parenting a breeze. Imagine it! Mums and dads would automatically treat their kids with dignity, trust, and respect – and the kids would grow up honest, hassle-free, and well-adjusted.
They wouldn’t dream of flushing the cat down the toilet or chasing the neighbour’s dog around the backyard with a chainsaw. They’d get straight A’s at school, and handle their screaming hormones without a hitch. They’d volunteer to mow the lawns, polish the family car, and get up early each Saturday to cook their parents breakfast.
YEAH, SURE …
Meanwhile, back in the real world, one message all parents need to hear is this: Nobody is an expert on your child, except YOU! For all of the well-meaning friends, authors, counsellors, and relatives who tell you how to be a perfect mum or dad, not one of them knows your child as well as you do. Like fingerprints, no two kids are the same – and neither are any two parents.
What’s more, we each have our own parenting style, our own unique way of doing things. And it’s worth asking – “What’s YOURS?”
If you can identify your style – and it’s strengths and not-so-strengths – you might end up doing a better job.
You won’t like everything you see – nobody does. But if you can just work out what makes you tick as a parent, you can then start developing your strengths and ditching your weaknesses.
So let’s do it. Let’s check out a couple of DISASTROUS parenting styles – and visit a third that’s well worth going for …
Style #1: THE PLATOON-PARENT
The single most effective way to drive your kids away is to develop a rigid and controlling parenting style. Trust us, it works every time!
Platoon-Parents are always on a mission, patrolling the house in camouflage, with a bottle of disinfectant at the ready! They check with a torch for dilated pupils, wish they could hook their kids up to lie-detectors, and want to put a barbed wire fence around the house to keep THEIR kids in and ENEMY kids out.
Platoon-Parents are the commandants of their own prisoner-of-war camps, with more rules and regulations than any kid could possibly obey.
So what turns seemingly normal people into rigid, controlling Platoon-Parents?
Well, perhaps THEY grew up in a home ruled with an ‘iron fist’. For example, do any of these Platoon-Parent statements sound familiar?
- “As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do what I say!”
- “You’re just a kid. Don’t tell me how to run this house!”
- “Grow-up!”
- “When you’re 18, you can please yourself. Until then …”
- “When I was your age, I never talked back to my parents!”
- “You better start showing me respect!”
- “You think YOU have it bad? You should’ve lived with MY parents!
Or maybe, as kids, they had NO discipline, NO boundaries, NO limits – and they’re trying to compensate for a role model they never had.
Are you a Platoon-Parent?
Try the following questions. Answer honestly (Yes/No). Then, if you’re really brave, check your results with your partner (or a friend) and see if he/she agrees:
- Do I often say NO to my kids even though I could’ve said YES?
- Do I often hear and react rather than listen and respond?
- Do I often find it hard to believe my kids’ side of the story?
- Do I struggle to change my mind even when I know I should?
- Do I often threaten my kids with punishment or intimidation to get them to do what they’re told?
- Do my children go to my partner (or someone else) instead of me with their problems?
- Do I find it nearly impossible to admit my mistakes or apologise to my kids?
- Do I often feel my partner is far too soft on the kids?
- Do my kids cry easily when I confront them about a problem?
- Do I often feel that my kids like my partner better than me?
- Do I think my children lie to me because they doubt that I’ll believe the truth?
- Do I often force my kids to do what I want by saying things like, “Because I said so, that’s why!”?
- Do I feel my partner undermines my authority?
- Do I fail to get from my children the respect I believe I deserve?
- Are my kids often sneaky regarding things I may not approve of?
To score your test:
- Add up the number of times you answered YES …
- 3 or fewer: relax – you’re probably not a Platoon-Parent.
- 4 to 7: you’re borderline – put up some warning signs: “Danger, there’s a trained attack-parent in this house!”
- 7 to 10: there’s a good chance you’re a Platoon-Parent: consider getting fitted for a camouflage jacket … and try a more balanced approach before your family hires a ‘hit man’.
- 10 or more: check your insurance policy for ‘accidental death’ … consider hiring a food-taster … get used to the idea of family counselling (because you’ll probably need it).
Do you want to change?
Platoon-Parents who score 10-plus are as welcome as flies at a barbeque! But don’t panic – there’s still hope! And the following steps can head you in the right direction:
Step 1: Admit you’ve got a problem …
Whether it’s alcohol, chocolate sundaes, or being a Platoon-Parent, we must first own up to the problem. This forces it out of hiding and into the light – where it can be examined and dealt with.
No, you don’t need to call your Aunt Trudy in Timaru and confess to being an evil, rigid, controlling parent. But you DO need to meet one-on-one with the people you’ve picked on and provoked – your family! Let them know you’ve identified a weakness that you plan to work on.
Step 2: Ask them to forgive you …
Yes, admitting any weakness is scary stuff for rigid, controlling dads or mums. And yes, asking forgiveness is a humbling experience. But stop whining. The act of admitting-and-asking proves you’re on the road to recovery.
Step 3: Decide you’re going to change …
This is ‘put-up-or-shut-up!’ time, where the rubber meets the road – so get serious! You’ll need all the commitment you can scrape up to keep that positive momentum rolling.
Step 4: If you need support, get it …
You don’t have to go it alone – get your family involved in the healing process. Talk with your kids: “I know I’ve been a rigid, controlling Platoon-Parent …” (or substitute other words your kids will understand: “grumpy old grouch!” has a nice ring to it). “I’m trying to change, but I’ll probably need your help. If you think I’m being unfair or too tough, you’re allowed to tell me.”
This does NOT mean (in case you’re breaking out in a cold sweat) that your kids will be running the show – but it DOES mean you’re willing to ‘stop-look-and-listen’ for a change.
Style #2: THE PUSHOVER-PARENT
The second surefire way to alienate your kids is to go to the other extreme – and be overly permissive. Pushover-Parents have often been sucked into thinking: “Go easy on discipline and avoid criticising your kids, or you’ll permanently damage their fragile little psyches!”
Some Pushover-Parents are trying desperately to be their kids’ best friend – driven by a terrifying thought: “If I’m too strict my kids may grow up not liking me!” Others simply can’t bring themselves to set limits – afraid that growling, disciplining, or dishing out consequences will harm the child.
Whatever the reason, Pushover-Parents often CONFUSE their kids by failing to provide the guidance, accountability, and direction that every child needs.
For some reason, the supermarket seems to attract Pushover-Parents. The kid throws a major fit at the checkout because Mum says no to a demand for chocolate. Some parents would manage this child easily with an intimidating stare. Others would firmly but gently hold the kid’s hand until safely back in the car. But Pushover-Parents will try to reason with the child by sharing their feelings about the chocolate bar.
The child finally gets the chocolate bar, of course, doing a victory dance right there at the checkout. And like the ‘Energiser’ rower, the problem goes on and on. Since there are no real consequences for bad behaviour, the child grows up believing that obedience is just one option.
Kids with Pushover-Parents (especially two of them!) tend to be troublesome, self-centred, and irresponsible. In short – SPOILED ROTTEN! And because they don’t respect authority in childhood, they often have difficulty with authority figures (teachers, coaches, police, employers) in adult life.
Sadly, these kids can also struggle, later, to enjoy and maintain healthy relationships.
Are you a Pushover-Parent?
Try the following questions. Answer honestly (Yes/No). Then check your results with your partner (or a friend):
- Do you often blame your child’s poor behaviour on somebody else’s bad influence – such as your partner or your neighbour’s kid?
- Do your children often ignore your requests – to tidy their rooms, finish their homework, dry the dishes, whatever?
- Do you over-use the line, “Wait till your father gets home …”?
- Do you hardly ever say “no” to your kids – and, when you do, you feel guilty and try to make it up to them?
- Are you quick to apologise for (or back down from) any display of anger directed at your kids?
- Are you quick to give in to your child’s wants, demands, tantrums and screams?
- Do you often feel that your partner is too strict, harsh, or short-tempered with the kids?
- Do you buy things for your kids even though it’s not in the budget, nor is it a special occasion, but because you feel they deserve it?
- Do you struggle to stick to the rules you and/or your partner set for your kids?
- Do you often put your child’s wants and wishes ahead of yours or your partner’s?
To score your test:
Add up the number of times you answered YES …
3 or less: you’re normal – you realise when you’re being a pushover and can probably adjust.
4 to 6: beware – you’re on the slippery slope, and need to try for more balance.
7 or more: no offence, but your backbone is mostly jelly – consider buying a big, ugly, mean dog to help you restore order. (Just kidding!)
Do you want to change?
Again, there’s always hope. Maybe you came from a permissive home … or a rigid, demanding home … or your child was quite sick when young … or you had kids late in life … or you had an unplanned child after your older kids had grown up … or you’ve lost your grip as a result of divorce …
It really doesn’t matter: you can still change, if you want to – using the same four steps that work with Platoon-Parents:
Step 1: Admit you’ve got a problem …
Step 2: Ask them to forgive you …
Step 3: Decide you’re going to change …
Step 4: If you need support – get it …
Changing our parenting styles is never easy. We’re creatures of habit who naturally react against anything that feels different. But if you want it bad enough, even the most dyed-in-the-wool Platoon-Parents and Pushover-Parents can dramatically improve their parenting style.
And that includes YOU!
Style #3: THE BALANCED PARENT
By now, if you’re a caring parent, you’re probably freaking out. You’ve noticed that quite a few traits belonging to Platoon-Parents and Pushover-Parents also belong to YOU – gulp!
Well, don’t panic: a competent mum or dad uses BOTH styles from time to time. The difference is that all-important BALANCE – knowing when to be a little on the controlling side, and when it’s okay to lighten-up.
Check yourself for these qualities:
1. BALANCED PARENTS ARE LOVING: Strangely, some mums and dads find it hard to say the words “I love you …” to their kids. (Maybe they were raised in homes where affection was rarely demonstrated?) But unconditional love and acceptance are never an issue for Balanced Parents. And this solid foundation allows kids to experience all the pain, disappointment, and heartache associated with growing up – without being fearful of losing their parents’ love.
Sure, there are times in even the best parent/child relationship when feelings become frayed. And you’re allowed to get mad or temporarily dislike each other. But a Balanced Parent has the ability to be a FRIEND, while still maintaining limits and requiring accountability as a PARENT.
2. BALANCED PARENTS ARE FORGIVING: After a tough day of breaking toys, terrorising the neighbourhood, and generally creating havoc, a child needs to know that he’s still okay with you. Balanced Parents forgive – and they do it with their eyes wide open, realising their kids are human, still under construction, and fully capable of (even very good at!) making mistakes.
A Balanced Parent knows how to respond to unacceptable behaviour without being hurtful or critical – and without just sweeping it under the rug. The child knows he’s okay – he’s a good kid – despite the fact that he sometimes does bad.
And the child knows that, even when he’s really messed up, you’ll offer forgiveness and guidance – not condemnation.
3. BALANCED PARENTS ARE CONSISTENT: Predictability is a bad thing for criminals – but it’s a real asset in parenting. And when it’s missing – when a child’s left to guess what the rules are – a parent just creates confusion.
Kids learn best when provided with clear boundaries, plus consistent and predictable reinforcement.
4. BALANCED PARENTS COMMUNICATE: They talk openly and often to their kids about their needs, wishes, wants, expectations, and values.
Now, before you burst a blood vessel – “This is crazy! You’re saying I must CONSULT with my kids before making decisions?” – let us explain:
No, we’re not suggesting you let your kids wear the pants. But if you allow them a part in the process, they’ll feel more valued and responsible – even if they don’t get their way! Kids are more likely to co-operate if they’ve been able to have their say.
5. BALANCED PARENTS ARE FAIR: Have you ever marvelled at the way six-year-olds can stretch a one-syllable word into five minutes? Each time a ruling goes against them, they stand there, little hands on little hips, and protest: “THAT’S NOT FAAAIIIRRR!”
Being fair means hearing your child’s side of the story before making hasty decisions – and being able to change your mind when you hear new evidence.
The Platoon-Parent seldom (if ever) hears opposing points of view. And he won’t change his mind (let alone admit he was wrong) for fear of appearing weak.
The Pushover-Parent, on the other hand, says OK to almost everything – and will often apologise just to avoid conflict, even though he or she is right.
6. BALANCED PARENTS ARE FIRM: The junk-food aisle at your local store is a great place to study child psychology – because that’s where 60% of all begging, moaning, and pleading occurs.
It often starts with a simple “Pleeezzze …?” When that doesn’t work, some kids try bribing: “I’m not your friend! I don’t love you anymore!” Some kids prefer the subtle approach, grabbing what they want and hiding it in your trundler under the lettuce. And other kids haul out the heavy artillery – crying, screaming, and the ever-popular holding-of-breath.
But a Balanced Parent quickly and firmly confronts the little manipulator – knowing that ignoring small problems only leads to more and bigger problems.
A FINAL PERSPECTIVE
The old saying “opposites attract” is used to describe two people in a relationship. But it’s even more pronounced in parenting styles. It’s common, for instance, for a family to own BOTH a controlling AND a permissive parent – who were probably attracted to qualities they admired in each other but lacked in themselves.
A strict, unemotional, insensitive dad, for example, might be partners with a forgiving, emotional, sensitive mum. (Sounds like one of those ads you see in the Personal Column: “SUI guy seeking FES girl. Must be a non-smoker.”)
But whether you identify yourself as a Platoon-Parent, or a Pushover-Parent, or some shade in between … the message is the same: try and keep your balance.
Above all, don’t be too hard on yourself. At best, you can only do your best. And remember: when you feel you’re coming to the end of your rope, reach up and tie a knot!
You CAN successfully change your parenting style … providing you really want to. Yes, achieving that may take you 18 years. But the payoff comes when you see your child growing up to be a loving, responsible, confident, balanced human being.
So go to it! Enjoy the journey! And have a happy family …
KEEPERS OF THE VINE
THANKS: MUCH INSPIRATION FOR THIS ARTICLE CAME FROM THE BOOK ‘HOW TO AVOID ALIENATING YOUR KIDS’ BY GREG & DANA CYNAUMON (MOODY PRESS).
