A CONVERSATION WITH STACEY MARTINO.
Stacey and Paul were at breaking point. Arguments erupted regularly over ridiculous little things … bickering and sniping were constant … and resentment was spreading between them. Finally, Paul came to a painful conclusion: the only solution was for him to leave.
Stacey’s ‘Ice Princess’ reputation was the result of years of keeping her emotions at bay. She had developed an inner steeliness, ideal for insulating her from the hurts of life … except for this one! Paul’s announcement broke Stacey’s heart, bringing her defences crumbling down – and crystalising three things in her mind:
She loved Paul – like, RALLY loved him.
She didn’t want to live without him.
But she would have to live without him, because he was leaving. And being an ‘Ice Princess’ hadn’t taught her how to build their relationship – nor how to fix it now that it was broken.
Luckily, this WASN’T the end of their story – rather, the beginning of a relationship-change that has ultimately led to a whole new calling. Today, they coach and mentor others in the skills they’ve since developed – which they credit with saving not only their own marriage, but thousands of other marriages as well.
Paul and Stacey Martino have just published a book– ‘THE MISSING PIECE’ – to share what they’ve discovered with couples worldwide.
We caught up with Stacey recently to chat about it…
GRAPEVINE: What’s this ‘missing piece’ you keep talking about?
STACEY: It’s what’s needed in all our relationships. Many of us inherited a ‘demand’ model from past generations, which used to (sort of) work when there was a power-imbalance between partners … But in most modern marriages, we’re equal partners – so that arrangement no longer works.
The ‘missing piece’ is a way of being in relationship that doesn’t require one party to win and the other to lose, or for one to have power over the other. We want to give people the tools – real-life solutions: how to have a marriage that’s not about an arrangement but about love.
GV: What does the outdated ‘demand’ model look like?
STACEY: It’s the pattern most of us still default to in our relationships. When it comes to resolving conflict, we expect there to be a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’. Which means someone’s in control, and the other person is submissive – although we don’t always recognise it, because many of us learnt to compromise and ‘please’ in order to achieve some kind of harmony!
In the past, for example, the male partner was generally considered dominant and superior. But by agreeing that they were equal, both partners would then fumble around trying to deal with conflict or make decisions. It became like a game of “Let’s meet in the middle somehow …” where both would win a bit and lose a bit – or where one might give in, but then save up some ‘points’ so they could get their way next time …
All that was a step in the right direction, but it still leads to dissatisfaction. In today’s world, where both partners have greater control of their own lives, they don’t WANT to feel like they’re losing half the time (or more often). So increasingly, they begin to feel that the relationship has run its course – and that’s the end of the marriage!
But Paul and I feel this is wrong: it’s not really that their differences are ‘irreconcilable’ – they’ve just run out of skills to find a way forwards.
Couples today need to navigate marriage as TWO EQUALS. That allows them to honour both themselves and each other without anyone feeling like they have to give up who they are or what they want out of life.
And that’s what we share in our book – the ‘relationship development’ method.
GV: What does your new approach look like?
STACEY: Well, first of all, we make the point that a relationship isn’t really about ‘me and you’ and what ‘we both’ bring to the table – for each person, it’s about ‘you’ and how you operate with the other person, whoever that might be.
The OLD thinking – where you expect the other person to make a change so your relationship can improve – is faulty. And the beauty of this NEW approach is that one person can change the whole relationship. By learning to interact with their partner in a new way (instead of the usual pattern of triggers and boomerangs), they create better, more positive outcomes.
It’s a bit like learning to speak in a language the other person understands. If you only speak Italian and I jabber away to you in English, that’s going to create barriers. Whereas if I consult a phrase book or take a course in Italian, we’ll be on the same page – and I’ll end up with a much better result.
The truth is, we’re all wired differently, and we receive information or criticism differently. So it’s easier to get on the same page if I come to understand you better and can communicate in a way that is more meaningful for you.
GV: You mentioned ‘triggers and boomerangs’ – what’s that all about?
STACEY: Paul came up with the idea of relationship being a closed ‘loop’. What we put INTO the loop – our actions, words, energy, or attitude – determines the reaction we get OUT. And when we change what we put into the loop (which we call a ‘trigger’), we change what comes back (the ‘boomerang’ – the other person’s response).
We’re often so focused on what’s coming back to us – the other person’s attitude, tone of voice, what they say or don’t say – that we don’t realise the part WE’RE playing. But what comes back from the other person is really just a ‘boomerang’ – and if you could replay the interaction from the previous 10 minutes (or whatever), you’d see what triggered that response.
These predictable patterns lead to predictable outcomes. But by becoming aware of what we’re putting into the ‘loop’, we can totally change the
relationship. We can give up fighting with the ‘boomerang’ – trying to make the other person change (which no-one likes being told to do!). And we can save ourselves from the hopeless feeling that comes as we realise we can’t control the other person.
By avoiding the ‘triggers’ we’re putting into that loop – we can hope for a more positive ‘boomerang’ response.
GV: A key feature of ‘The Missing Piece’ is that it only takes one person to transform a relationship –in fact, all the relationships in our lives. But what if we’re dealing with someone who doesn’t want to change?
STACEY: This is so hard to accept – because it goes against the grain. The truth is, unless it’s self-growth or self-improvement, most people don’t like to change – and that’s why the ‘demand’ model fails so miserably. We expect others to change, but they don’t want to change, and they resent us for expecting them to …
It doesn’t matter if you ask them nicely … if you beg them … or if you try using threats, guilt, or persuasion. They’ll be reluctant, anyway, because humans resist change! But the beauty of our ‘relationship development’ method is that it doesn’t require anyone to change; it just teaches us to interact differently with the world – and allow others to change in response.
Think back to a conversation you’ve had with someone who’s responded to what you’ve said by rolling their eyes. And then recall a time when you’ve had a different reaction … when someone’s lit up with a smile while you were talking …
The eyeroll ‘trigger’ caused one ‘boomerang’ reaction in you – right? But the glowing smile caused a much more positive reaction. Nobody had to tell you how to react; you have your own ‘blueprint’ for responding to those ‘triggers’. And in ‘relationship development’ we show you how to break from those predictable patterns – how to shift the ‘triggers’ that you’re putting into your loops – and how that can change what you get back from your partner.
In short, this is how one person can transform a relationship without requiring buy-in, effort, or change from their partner.
GV: Some people might resist the idea that they can single-handedly improve their relationship – because it puts the responsibility on them. It’s like they need to stop the blame-game …
STACEY: Actually, everyone’s responsible for what they put into a relationship. Yes, it’s rare for both partners to be equally motivated at the same time. But just because one person’s willing to take action and make changes, that doesn’t absolve their partner from responsibility altogether.
It often happens that one person is more willing to do the work and take the lead – usually the one who feels most desperate about the relationship. But blaming someone else or waiting for the other person to fix things just puts you in the victim seat – which is totally disempowering.
Being responsible is about saying, “I don’t care whose fault this is. It’s affecting my life and I’m fixing it!” Rather than wasting time and energy saying, “Why should I do xyz?” … make the effort to fix things for YOU! It’s not about your partner – it’s about improving your life experience, enjoying peace of mind, connection and harmony.
Nobody will benefit more from you putting in that work than YOU will!
GV: Early on you mentioned compromise like it’s a dirty word … What’s the problem with compromising?
STACEY: Compromise isn’t all bad, of course – but in a long-term relationship between equals, it’s not helpful. Over time, the effect of someone always feeling like they’re ‘losing out’ can be hugely damaging. Over time, those ‘losses’ create barriers between you like ‘bricks in a wall’ that add up until you no longer really see one another – just the resentments that have built up between you.
That’s when you hear people say things like, “I don’t even know my husband anymore,” or “My wife’s not the woman I married all those years ago.” Really, all compromise does is demonstrate that we’ve run out of ideas – because we couldn’t see how to achieve a win-win.
GV: What do people need to learn so they can achieve a win-win? And what does that even look like?
STACEY: Basically, a win-win is what it says: YOU feel totally, genuinely satisfied by the result AND I feel totally, genuinely satisfied. Neither of us has given anything up. And what this required is a gear-shift in our thinking.
Most people focus on the ‘how’ or the ‘what’ level in any disagreement – rather than the ‘why’. I see this often in parenting issues, where people get so caught up in the ‘how’ or the ‘what’ that they miss all the common ground between them … Like HE wants the kids to do xyz and SHE wants him to lighten up and stop demanding …
But when they start to focus on the ‘why’, they see that they actually AGREE on far more than they’d thought. The reason he wants their children to do xyz is that he feels it’s important for them to build skills and resilience (which she also wants!) … and the reason she wants him to lay off the pressure is because she feels it’s damaging their relationship with their children (with whom he also wants a healthy, trusting relationship!).
So when they start looking at things from that perspective, all of a sudden they line-up. That alignment doesn’t mean they’re the same person or need to agree on everything, but they can now understand each other and find a way forwards.
GV: You make a distinction in the book between coping with conflict and solving it … What’s the difference?
STACEY:Couples often settle for ‘coping’ when they feel an issue is unsolvable. We’ve become so accustomed to escaping uncomfortable feelings that we don’t even notice we’re doing it.
‘Pleasing’ is one coping strategy – because sometimes we’ll just do anything to keep the peace or save stress – but it’s not genuine, and it comes at a cost to the relationship. I’ve met way too many pleasers who’ve spent their whole lives changing just trying to be loved or accepted. And it’s heartbreaking, because they’re often really good people who simply lack the skills to interact with others in a fair and genuine way.
Other coping mechanisms have their place – taking a bath, meditating, breathwork, and exercise can all help you press pause on unhelpful reactions and de-stress in general. But they’re not a replacement for actually dealing with issues to the point of resolving them.
While coping is a way to escape the discomfort or keep things from getting worse, ultimately the issue will come up again and again. But when you ‘solve’ something, the issue is resolved in a genuine and satisfying way, and it doesn’t come up again. Not only that, but when you gain the skills to solve an issue, you grow … and you both feel more confident for having a ‘win’ under your collective belt.
So it’s far better to develop the skills needed to solve issues that might otherwise come between you, because doing so will pay dividends.
GV: When couples come to you and Paul saying their love has faded (whether through neglect or misunderstandings or broken trust) what advice do you give them?
STACEY: First of all, we have total empathy for how they’re feeling. And we reassure them that they’re not alone. In fact, the whole of humanity has been going through this shift – and it’s high-time for us all to learn how to interact in healthy, healing ways that don’t require any of us to have control over any others.
We reassure them that the impasse they’re at has nothing to do with love being lost – nor with ‘irreconcilable differences’! It’s simply an indication that they’ve run to the end of their skill set. And that’s good news, because they can gain new skills to help them navigate the future together.
I also tell them that their happiness is worth too much to hang on the lie “that somehow they’ve grown too far apart to find their way back together.” Because you take YOU forward into the future, and whatever issues you have now you’ll bring along for
the ride. Whatever relationship skills you’ve been lacking up until now will be lacking in the future as well – until you replace that lack with better tools.
You won’t find someone that you won’t need those skills with – and nobody else is going to come along and fix things for you. You have to take responsibility and do the work if you want to improve your relationships.
GV: Do the skills you talk about in ‘The Missing Piece’ apply to parenting as well?
STACEY: Totally! There’s an epidemic right now of young adult children who are distancing themselves from ‘toxic’ parents because they don’t want to continue in the kind of ‘control-based demand’ model they were raised in.
They’re rejecting the old ‘power-player’ versus ‘non-power-player’ game of guilt, demand and control. They’re too free for that. And I think that’s one of the greatest developments in human interaction I’ll see in my lifetime, because that kind of forced obedience hasn’t served us well throughout history!
Unfortunately, it leads to a terrible breakdown, because the ‘toxic parents’ these young people are rejecting are often just loving parents who’ve never learnt how to interact in a way that doesn’t use guilt or other leverage to control or influence their kids.
It’s another example of how we take what we’ve learnt (or failed to learn) into every relationship we experience … both now and in the future. So it’s well worth making the effort now to gain the skills you need to navigate relationships successfully.
A FINAL WORD FROM STACEY: “I’d love to let your readers know that they can get our book for free*! They can get it at themissingpiecebook.com* – and if there’s anything we can do to help further, we’re at relationshipdevelopment.org”
*Shipping costs not covered
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