SCHOOL REFUSAL AND TRUANCY (or wagging) aren’t new problems – but both are on the rise. Many things contribute to this increase: Social issues such as poverty, family violence, and other challenging dynamics in the home and community … school concerns such as overcrowding, education standards, underfunding, bullying … and individual difficulties including mental health struggles like depression and anxiety. In this issue of On the Homefront, we take a look at school refusal and how parents can deal with it.
1. First things first: What’s going on?
The first step is to identify if a child is playing truant or if there’s a deeper issue to address. Truancy is when a child’s skipping school to hang out with mates, wandering around in the neighbourhood or shops, or otherwise entertaining themselves instead of attending classes. They’ll often lie about where they’ve been, and their absence from school is a choice.
School refusal, on the other hand, is something different – as Jen describes below. Her 12-year-old daughter Olivia doesn’t simply want to skip school …
“Olivia doesn’t want to bunk classes”, Jen explains. “In fact, most days, she gets up and ready for school without issues, but when I take her there, she panics. She becomes distressed and tearful as we approach the school, and if I try to bargain with her or insist that she get out of the car at the drop-off zone, she gets angry and defiant. We’ve worked together to try different approaches – having a friend walk with her … going early to give them a more relaxed start … even walking with her right up to the classroom – but nothing seems to help.”
The next step for Jen is to work with Olivia to figure out what’s at the root of her school refusal.
2. Start digging
Despite lots of gentle conversations with Olivia, Jen’s had no luck identifying the psychological barrier to her daughter attending school. So she decides to contact a counsellor her friend’s recommended.
The counsellor’s first job is to help identify the factors or concerns leading to Olivia missing school. She asks Olivia a bunch of questions, looking for clues to what might be triggering this school refusal:
Has something changed in their home environment – is there some new financial stress … conflict between parents or siblings … an illness or bereavement in the family?
Is there something going on at school? Classroom changes, absent/shifting friends, bullying, and upcoming events (such as swimming champs or speech contest) can all contribute to students’ anxiety and reluctance to attend class.
Is there a family history of school refusal? Does anxiety or depression run in the family?
After a lot of digging, they figure out that Olivia’s best friend has begun spending more time with a group of popular girls who’ll often exclude Olivia from their clique. This has massively rocked Olivia’s confidence, and she’s struggling with her self-worth and experiencing anxiety as a result.
3. Validate/Empathise
Both Jen and the counsellor validate Olivia’s emotions around this difficult social situation. Many kids struggle with changing dynamics between friends at school. When Jen was around Olivia’s age, she went through a phase of being bullied by a former friend – so she’s able to share her experience and how she dealt with it …
“I cried every day after school for a while, but finding a good friend at an after-school gymnastics club helped remind me that I was actually likeable!”
Young Jen put her energies into developing other friendships and ignoring her former friend’s unkind comments. Olivia’s problems feel less daunting to her now that they’re out in the open. The counsellor and her mum have given her some good coping strategies, and she’s willing to work with them to get back to school.
4. Make a plan
They set a date and make a plan for Olivia’s return to school. Jen will ask Olivia’s teacher to support her with the tricky group dynamics by partnering her with classmates who are easier to work with. She’s also contacted the office to schedule a few sessions with the school counsellor so Olivia can share her struggles and progress while at school.
Olivia’s current counsellor has given her some coping strategies and mindfulness exercises to work on. Olivia spends some time each day getting to a place of calm in her mind and then visualising herself successfully entering the school, catching up over lunch with a nice classmate, and engaging in some of her favourite subjects. She’s planning on doing some of the breathing exercises and calming practices in the car on the way to school.
Jen’s arranged to work from home in the afternoons, and has reassured Olivia that she’ll be available for Olivia to offload about her day when she returns from school, and that she’ll first empathise and then strategise about any friendship issues that come up.
5. Take action
Olivia’s taken a page from her mum’s book and signed up for a badminton club where a couple of nice girls from her class go for coaching. She feels optimistic about the potential of developing some new friendships.
Jen drives Olivia to school the day before she’s due to return; they practice the whole morning routine, including drop-off. This feels like success!
“On Monday, we had one false-start, but we drove around the block again, and I encouraged Olivia to try again. She took a few deep breaths, dried her tears, and managed to get out of the car the next time around. It became much easier from there on – and she tells me that even her best friend seems glad to see her!”
There are many reasons why a child might refuse to go to school. Experts recommend that parents be curious, empathetic, proactive, and involved in finding solutions for their kids. Neither being overly permissive nor punishing is helpful.
FOR MORE INFORMATION, CHECK OUT ‘OVERCOMING SCHOOL REFUSAL’ BY JOANNE GARFI; ‘THE STARTING SCHOOL BOOK’ BY SARAH OCKWELL-SMITH; OR SEARCH ONLINE FOR ‘SCHOOL AVOIDANCE’ OR ‘SCHOOL PHOBIA’.
