“MALE 36, single, set in his ways, lazy, meat & two veges, non-athletic, TV-sports addict, bad tempered, forgetful, miserly, mortgaged to the hilt, hopeless around the house, wishes to meet and make friends …”
Dream on – right? Fat chance anyone would want to be his friend! And yet, in a way he’s no different from the rest of us. We ALL need friends. Every one of us craves human contact. And we go to no end of trouble to find it.
Some people – like this hapless advertiser – try their luck on dating sites. Others, willing to tell all, risk their egos on Reality TV. Some attempt a nightly search of pubs and clubs, while others go searching in a sports or cultural direction.
What is this huge, invisible magnet that keeps linking people up, connecting us with other humans, drawing us into relationships …?
HARD TO PIN DOWN, EH?! We obviously weren’t made to be alone. Without companionship, we feel incomplete. Friendless people are unhappy people – and lonely, isolated people don’t live as long or as well as those who stay in touch. In fact, many of the most famous, wealthy, attractive people on this planet have starved to death emotionally for lack of a few good friends.
Friendship is fuzzy, personal, intangible, not easy to define. Is it something we go looking for – or does it come looking for us? Are good friends made – or are they discovered?
Hard to say. But there’s nothing better than that incredibly neat feeling of ‘clicking’ with another person … of being okay, at ease, with someone else … someone who enjoys our company, knows us warts’n’all, and likes us anyway.
Friends come in all shapes and sizes. Some are lightweight and casual – good for fun-times and coffee. Others are more like blood-brothers – closer than family. Some are ‘hit-and-runs’ – intense today but gone tomorrow. Others are ‘besties forever’ – as durable as a rock.
And here’s a truth many of us learn too late: one count-on-able friend is worth more than 400 Christmas-card-acquaintances!
Good friends aren’t perfect, but they’re the next best thing. And there’s never enough of them to go around. A five-star, solid-gold friend – a friend who’s “on your side for evermore …” – is a rare friend indeed.
But be warned: friendships are fragile! And even the toughest, warmest, most weather-beaten friendship can be spoilt or shrivelled or soured.
Want to wreck a good friendship? It’s not hard. People succeed every day. All you have to do is …
1. Stop Working At It
Take your friendship for granted. Neglect it. Leave it off your list of Things-To-Do-Today. Just let it happen …
Trouble is, the truly valuable things in life don’t ‘just happen’. They happen because we rate them important – and work to MAKE them happen.
You can have almost anything you want if you want it bad enough; save a million bucks … run a marathon … become a public speaker … own a business. And friendships are no different; if you want good friends bad enough, you can have them … but you have to make the effort, make room, make it a priority.
That means time together … for each other … to write or phone … walk and talk … work and build … for coffee or lunch … for sitting and listening …
Some of the loneliest people in town are those who are too busy making money, lining pockets, scoring degrees or collecting stamps to remember the PEOPLE in their lives. They treat their friends like Cinderella – conveniently overlooked as they rush around preparing for the ball.
Want to wreck a good friendship? Just let it happen. Stop working at it. Leave it to look after itself.
2. Never admit you care
One reason we miss out on rich friendships is that we’re scared to reach out and declare our affection. We’re afraid of being embarrassed or laughed at or sounding gushy (or gay) – so we hold back our words of warmth.
When was the last time you told a friend that you care? Not the schmaltzy, insincere, touchy-feely stuff – just letting your heart go a bit? The sad fact is, two people can connect and like what they see in each other – but if that ‘like’ is not declared somehow, the small flame of friendship can splutter and go out.
Guess why women have more friendships than men? Because men in our macho, big-boys-don’t-cry world aren’t as ready to be open … aren’t as free to say the words.
Tim, a magazine columnist, admits that, when he was younger, he wasn’t a very warm person. “I had deep feelings for people but didn’t know how to voice them.”
It wasn’t until his late 20s that he began to learn the power of praise. “For starters, I tried praising my parents. And only then did our relationship become mutually free. Only then did I see my parents’ personalities. There’s been, in my experience, a clear link between praising people and knowing them. Praise has often opened a gate to deeper relations.”
Tim learned about praise from the woman who later became his wife, and from a circle of friends whom she had ‘infected’. “They blew the cover off my guarded words. They did it by freely praising me, and others too. When they saw something they liked in a person, they just said it!
“They showed it, too, by telling other people about it, by hugging you or smiling at you. They were so free with their appreciation that some people didn’t know how to take it. But everyone who came into the light of their circle warmed up in it.”
There’s magic in the words, “I love you” … “I enjoy your company” … “You’re a lot of fun” … “I appreciate you” … “You mean a lot to me.” And our wives, husbands, kids, parents, and friends can live off those words for days.
Are the words too hard to say out-loud? Well, there are other ways to convey the same idea: a letter … a gift … a card … a scribbled note … “I missed you” … “You mean a lot to me” … “Our friendship’s so good” …
Go on – work some of this magic on your friends!
3. Refuse to take off your mask
Want to drive your friends away? Pretend to be something you’re not. Want to make someone feel left-out of your life? Never tell them what you’re thinking or how you’re feeling.
Popular psychologist Alan McGinnis (late) wrote, “People with deep and lasting friendships may be introverts, extroverts, young, old, dull, intelligent, homely, good-looking – but one characteristic they always have in common is OPENNESS. They have a certain transparency, allowing people to see what’s in their hearts.”
How come we wear masks? Why do we go to such lengths to hide our real selves?
For some of us, it’s because we’re afraid of being rejected: “If people saw me the way I see myself they’d be turned off.” And, of course, that’s always the risk: having opened up to your friend, he or she might walk away. But it’s a risk worth taking. Because people can’t really get to know us until they know something of our heart.
Openness breeds openness. And honesty about ourselves can disarm others, pulling them into a more intimate connection with us.
Many Kiwi blokes avoid close friendships for fear of looking weak or ‘wussy’. One guy put it this way: “Males are expected to compete, whether on the rugby field or the construction site. The rule seems to be: you need to have a bosom to be a buddy!”
But male-mateship is not a myth – as many great men-friends know. It calls for the same ingredients as any other friendship: openness, honesty, trust. And the rewards? They’re almost unlimited!
Opposite-sex friendships can also prove too risky – thanks to the popular myth that to be good companions you have to jump into bed. The result? Many people (young and not-so-young) struggle to have close yet non-romantic friendships with the opposite gender.
We need to learn how to say “I really like you” without the fear that it’ll be misinterpreted … how to say “Let’s spend time together” without it meaning “Let’s have sex” … how to share ‘heart-to-heart’ without feeling embarrassed …
According to Alan McGinnis, “Conversation with your long-time friends will get sparse if you restrict yourself to facts. But if, when you get together, you can also talk about your FEELINGS, there’ll be plenty to discuss – for every one of us has 100 different emotions during the day. The world of our feelings is a rapidly changing world, and to meet with a friend to talk about any of these things – that’s intimacy.”
There’s a right time and place for sharing feelings, of course. And we’re not talking about ‘spilling our guts’ every time we meet. But real friends find the right time and the right place.
And they tell the truth … in love.
4. Be a bad listener
For every relationship that shrivels through lack of attention, there’s another that dies through lack of listening.
If our friends have plucked up the courage to take off their masks and open-up, the least we can do is listen. And perhaps the reason we’ve got two ears and one mouth is so we can listen twice as much as we talk?
Think about it: you don’t have to be a great talker to be a good listener! Maybe you hate being in a group – you’re too quiet, too shy, can’t think what to say. Well, take heart! The secret of being interesting is to be interestED. And the skill of listening … of drawing other people out … of asking questions that get them talking about themselves – that’s one skill everyone can learn.
Four hot listening tips:
Don’t turn the conversation back to yourself. Don’t be tempted to say, “I know what you mean. The same thing happened to me, and I …” (You’ve just snatched back your gift!)
Good friends notice details (like how you’re looking, what you’re wearing) – and pay genuine compliments. And they ask good questions – because they’ve been listening.
Check your body language. If you’re gazing around the room, fiddling with your cellphone, or constantly checking your watch, then they haven’t got your attention – and they haven’t got you.
Never break a confidence. Truth is,
blabbermouths don’t attract good friends. It’s a real compliment if friends reveal details that could be used against them – so don’t leak that information. When friends confide in you they probably worry they’ve said too much. So put their fears to rest: keep your ears and eyes open – and your lips zipped!
5. Overpower your friend
One sure way to ruin a good relationship is to control and dominate the other person. But it’s amazing how we can make this sound like ‘love’.
The over-protective mother says, “I’m just doing this for your own good.” And the man who’s always correcting his friend thinks, “It’s for his benefit.” But the effect is always to suffocate people and push them away.
Do you give your friends room to be themselves? Room to grow, try things, make mistakes? Room to have other friendships, too? Or do you try to own them, possess them, control them somehow?
It’s hard to be friends with someone who’s always trying to compete, or pair-off, or take charge, or be one-up on everyone else. And it’s just as hard when someone is plagued with self-pity and wants to clutch and cling.
Healthy friends allow each other to be free. They appreciate each other, and their lives would be poorer if they weren’t friends – but they don’t ‘need’ each other in a needy, desperate, clinging way. The focus of their friendship is “what we can give” more than “what we can get”.
Friendship must be ABOUT something, says one counsellor: “People who simply ‘want’ friends seldom find them, because the very condition of having friends is that we should want something else.
“Friendship involves two or more people who suddenly discover that they see things the same way. They share the same view of things. And when that happens, they discover a friend.”
So let’s encourage our friends to be unique. Let’s allow them the freedom to pursue their dreams. Let’s create space, privacy and room to breathe. And let’s encourage other relationships, rather than overloading each other.
None of us has exclusive rights to anyone – not even our marriage partners. And we put unfair pressure on a friendship if we think one person – even a husband or wife – must meet all our needs.
“Your marriage,” wrote McGinnis, “should be the best friendship you have – but not the only one.”
6. Forget the little things
Most long-time happily-marrieds have lots of little private gestures, customs, habits that remind each other that they’re loved: serving breakfast in bed, putting toothpaste on the other’s toothbrush, kissing good-night, giving shoulder-rubs, remembering birthdays and Valentine’s Days and anniversaries. Those little acts may not seem like much on their own, but they sure add up.
Likewise, good friends don’t just tell each other they care – they show it in 1000 small acts of kindness. Good friends are on the lookout for similar rituals – a meal together, a game of golf, a bunch of flowers, a fishing trip, handshakes, hugs, pats on the back, frequent emails, text-messages, practical jokes, surprises, a book-swap, a helping hand with an unpleasant job, a thoughtful gift – all these gestures put love in the bank and earn interest for the future.
And remember: it’s a bank account with no records – you don’t keep checking to see who owes who!
With practice, seeing to the ‘little things’ can become a habit. And each time, good memories are being accumulated – memories of favours done, tools lent, help given, laughter shared – a thousand small statements of friendship that spread like ripples through our lives.
7. Give up easily
Some people are chronic failures at friendships – always on the move, always jumping out of one friendship into another, convinced each time that “it wasn’t my fault!” They’re like kids who tire of playing with the same toys, always tossing them aside and reaching for something newer and brighter.
If we’re going to build good, long-term friendships, we have to put some old words back in our vocab: words like loyalty, acceptance, commitment, endurance. Because these are the qualities that glue friends together through thick and thin.
In any relationship, there are times when someone’s not performing too well, not responding very warmly, not contributing much. And the trick is to hang in there until the tough time has passed – because it almost always does pass!
Then the wrinkles can be ironed out, the hurts can be forgiven, and the friendship which was once good can be good again.
Your friends are fortunate if they don’t ALWAYS have to be good company with you, if they’re allowed to be at-their-worst or cranky when they need to be – knowing you won’t walk out on them.
No, good friends don’t habitually – or deliberately – stomp on each other. But when they do have a bad-hair day – or even get snotty – it’s not the end of the world. Yes, it may cause hurt feelings, it may disrupt closeness, and one person may have to give-without-getting-much-back for a while. But they’ve been friends long enough to know they’ll get over it.
You see, friends are HUMAN. They make mistakes. And sometimes they let each other down. But true friends don’t quit easily! They don’t hold grudges or keep scores. And they do know how to forgive.
Perhaps a friendship hasn’t proved its worth until it’s survived a sticky patch or two?
When all is said & done …
It doesn’t matter whether we’re male or female, young or old, rough or polished … we each have far more capacity for giving and receiving friendship than we’ve ever realised.
And the secret, it seems, is quite simple: if we want to be loved, we must love. If we want friends, we need to be friendly.
As the famous Burt Bacharach song puts it:
Keep smilin’
keep shinin’
knowing you can always count on me for sure
– that’s what friends are for.
For good times
and bad times
I’ll be on your side for evermore
– that’s what friends are for.
There’s already enough hate in this world – right? Now is the time for friendship …
KEEPERS OF THE VINE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Inspiration for this Grapevine Classic came from ‘The Friendship Factor’ by (late) Alan Loy McGinnis (Augsburg Publishing House).
