BEING UPSET IS A FLESH wound in the emotional battles of life. Upset people are the walking wounded and will often carry around a small splinter of ‘upsetness’ lodged deep inside them for the rest of their lives. Only immediate emotional attention directly after the upset will prevent the wound from festering.
However, it can sometimes be very difficult to spot when someone is upset. Often, all you notice is a slight reddening of the cheeks and a difficulty on their part in maintaining eye contact. The best thing to do is to ask them immediately, “Have I upset you?” Ironically, if the answer is “no” you’ve definitely upset them, and if it’s “yes” you probably haven’t.
Once someone is upset, getting them reset is extremely difficult. You have to find out what upset them in the first place. You may think it was because you went round to their house and told them they were a vindictive old badger. In fact, they didn’t mind being called an old badger at all; they got upset because you didn’t take your shoes off when you came in.
What you did was accidentally wander into their own personal minefield. Of course, some people’s minefields are bigger than others, and you can’t breathe in their presence without setting off a massive chain of upset and offence. Often these people like getting upset, not because they enjoy the upset itself, but because they like the corresponding grovelling, apologising, and furious back-pedalling it sets off in other people.
Normal people learn very quickly to tiptoe round easily-upset people. This is counterproductive, as they then become even more sensitive and easily-upset to get a reaction. Instead, it’s best to out-upset them. Anger always trumps being upset, and a simple but loud, “How dare you get upset with me!” usually flushes out any embryonic huffs.
Everyone has something deeply insensitive they’ve said or done in the past that still deeply pains and embarrasses them. It’s the sort of thing that makes you groan out loud when you think about it. Oddly enough, if you ever pluck up the courage to talk to the victim of the situation, they generally don’t remember anything about it. In fact, you’ve probably reminded them of it for the first time since it happened. They may then take the opportunity of telling you some other little things you did and said which really did upset them.
Facts of life are a prime cause of upsetting people. You may think it is a simple undisputed fact that someone is short, bald, or big-eared, and that passing comment on it would be as uncontentious as talking about the weather. It isn’t, and you should assume everyone is tall, hairy, and flush-eared until they specifically tell you otherwise.
© GUY BROWNING IS THE AUTHOR OF ‘NEVER PUSH WHEN IT SAYS PULL’ AND CREATOR OF ‘TORTOISE IN LOVE’ (DVD) – USED BY PERMISSION.
