EVERYONE LOVES THE SUN, and everyone – including white supremacists – wouldn’t mind looking just a little bit darker. If you’re white to start off with, this means sunbathing. Sunbathing is a fine art which normally takes about three weeks to master. That’s exactly one week more than 90% of the nation has.
Men sunbathe in the same way they would cook a sausage: intense frying until they’re burnt all over and look disgusting. For women, sunbathing is about avoiding any kind of lines on your body, such as strap marks. There are two ways to avoid these: you either bring seven different cuts of swimsuits on holiday, which you then rotate to expose everything in turn. Or you don’t bring any swimsuits at all and just sit around stark naked. The danger with the second approach is you’ll be mistaken for a German naturist, which scores null points on the beach sexiness scale.
The favourite tanning technique amongst most women is the synchronised strap adjustment. This is where you move your bikini slightly every time you finish a chapter of Danielle Steel. One note of warning here: don’t concentrate on your straps so much that you end up with a massive white Danielle Steel-shaped bookmark on your body.
Positioning is vital for sunbathing. To start with, you need to be in the sun, so holidaying anywhere outside the UK is good. Nelson is best. To get maximum exposure to the sun, it’s important to move your towel at regular intervals. Remember to reconnect all your straps before you jump up to do this, otherwise you’ll get all the nearby men suddenly repositioning their towels to get maximum exposure to you.
Sun tanning is a lot easier now we’ve managed to get rid of that pesky ozone layer. This is great news because people are no longer getting that terrible pale look when they die early. Protection against the sun is actually very important, and a good sun cream is absolutely vital. Anything that is SPF 30 or below is the equivalent of covering yourself with cooking oil. People with sensitive skin need at least SPF 50 or over.
The thick layer of white gunk you’ll end up with will protect you against all harmful rays … as well as interesting members of the opposite sex.
© GUY BROWNING IS THE AUTHOR OF ‘NEVER PUSH WHEN IT SAYS PULL’ AND CREATOR OF ‘TORTOISE IN LOVE’ (DVD) – USED BY PERMISSION.
