GOING SHOPPING IS LIKE going to heaven but without the wearisome spiritual aspect. In fact, shopping is the closest many people come to a religious experience. In shops you can take time for reflection in a full-length mirror and then receive absolution in the form of branded goods.
Shops are the only places in society where people ask you whether you need help. They will then treat you like the attractive and interesting person you could become if only you would part with most of your cash.
Shopping is not the same as buying; women shop, men buy. Women can enjoy shopping without buying something. They can even go shopping, take stuff back, and still have fun. Men go to the shops when they need something. They find this thing and then they buy it. If it’s not right, they don’t take it back because this would imply some error of judgement on their part in the first place. Taking things back is a form of retreat and therefore totally unacceptable.
Women like to go shopping with friends. This means you have someone to hold the size 16 dress you’ll be buying while you try on the size 12 you can hardly get over your head.
The golden rule of shopping is that the fancier the bag the better you will feel. A bag with little ropes instead of handles is almost worth buying on its own. Once you have about five bags you should put some of the bags in the other bags. Remember, rather than putting small into big, you should be putting cheap into expensive. If in doubt, make sure you end up carrying the rope handles.
On the other hand, bargains can also be an exciting part of shopping. Women enjoy bargain hunting and will often complete a shopping trip claiming to have saved more money than they’ve spent. It’s best for men not to ask to see this saved money. You will have enough to worry about feigning excitement/interest/approval for the mountain of stuff that’s been dragged out of the shopping mall without getting involved in economic arguments.
Men and women should never shop together. If by some accident they find themselves together in a shopping situation, the correct position for the man is standing just outside the door of the shop watching other women shopping. The woman then positions herself right at the back of the shop in order to summon the man in to look at something she has no intention of buying. This is repeated in every shopping mall … except the one with interesting gadgets for men.
© GUY BROWNING IS THE AUTHOR OF ‘NEVER PUSH WHEN IT SAYS PULL’ AND CREATOR OF ‘TORTOISE IN LOVE’ (DVD) – USED BY PERMISSION.
