CLASSICAL MUSICIANS tend to be either rather saintly or rather Godlike. It all depends on how much weight they have to carry around. Double bassists are always humble because they’ve been given a massive double-bass-shaped cross to bear. Violinists are quite cocky because they’ve only got hand luggage. Still, worst of all are conductors – who have nothing to carry but an oversized toothpick.
During security scares, police often check lock-up garages. The thing they find most of are musicians rehearsing. Musicians’ rehearsals follow the same trajectory as mental illness: you start in the warmth of a loving home and increasingly find yourself out in the cold or in a small soundproof room.
Parents usually choose the instrument you play first. That’s why you see so few child bassoonists. If there were a totally silent instrument, it would probably be a winner with most parents. Parents also put you through your grades. Grade one means you can hold your instrument; Grade two means you can get a noise out of it; and Grade three means you can get a recognisable noise. Anything above requires an ability to play properly, which is when most young people transfer to football or snogging.
You can tell how good people are at music by how much their bodies move. In the beginning, the body is held in an absolute rictus of concentration while the search is on for middle C. Later on, the body relaxes as the fingers do most of the work. Once the fingers do what you want instinctively, the whole body gets back into the act by weaving, swaying and sweating.
In the long run, the instrument you choose to play is an accurate reflection of you as a person. For example, no one who plays the tuba is ever treated for depression. Similarly, people who play the oboe tend to have complex love lives, and piccolo players are often negligent with their tax returns.
Where you hold your instrument also has a bearing on the music. Violins are held like a finger on the chin, which is why the music tends to be rather thoughtful. Cellists put their instruments between their legs, which is why they’re earthy and sensual. Trumpeters stand like somebody telling a joke at a bar, which is why their music often sounds like loud laughter.
Bagpipes don’t bear thinking about.
© GUY BROWNING IS THE AUTHOR OF ‘NEVER PUSH WHEN IT SAYS PULL’ AND CREATOR OF ‘TORTOISE IN LOVE’ (DVD) – USED BY PERMISSION.
