A CONVERSATION WITH REBECCA COX and ZOË DESMOND
Once upon a time, two London-based single mums bonded over their similar stories and circumstances. Both had had to figure out single-parenting from scratch following a divorce. And both had been single parents since their sons were very young. As their friendship grew, an idea formed …
Tired of the negative stereotypes of single parents in popular media, Zoë Desmond and Rebecca Cox set out to add their own perspectives (and those shared by their single-parent friends) to the mix. The message that ended up as a book – ‘How to Be a Happy Single Parent’ – is one of hope. It’s a practical guide for creating a whole and healthy family with just one parent at the helm – whether that’s a solo parent by choice … or someone co-parenting with an ex … or someone raising children alone after being widowed or divorced.
We chatted with Rebecca and Zoë about their own experiences of single parenting …
ZOË DESMOND: When I first became a single parent, my son Billy was just a year old, and I felt completely isolated. I’ve got great friends and family, but I didn’t feel like any of them understood what I was going through. I felt lonely. And I craved connection with other single parents who could identify with what I was going through. I ended up creating my app – Frolo – primarily because of my own desperate need to meet others in the same boat, and to help me be the best parent I could be.
I wasn’t looking to launch a business – I just knew I needed connection and support, and there wasn’t anything out there to facilitate that. And Frolo was how Rebecca and I met …
REBECCA COX: One of our goals in writing this book was to bring single parents together.
HOPEFUL INSTEAD OF NEGATIVE
We wanted to change the negative narrative about single parents and present a more hopeful view – sharing what we’ve discovered, including the experience of people we’ve met along the way. We wanted to provide a sort of cheat-sheet on how to get there a bit quicker – something we wish we’d had in the early days of our own single journey.
GRAPEVINE:So what advice would you give someone who’s newly-single?
ZOË: Prioritise building your community. The difference between how alone I felt early on and how well-connected I am now is like night and day. In the UK, about a quarter of parents are single parents – there are so many of us. And realising that we’re not an island – when there’s all this support – is very empowering.
REBECCA: As Zoë said, single parenthood can feel very daunting … so finding that bit of connection with someone in real life who’s been through it is key, because then, when you’re having a tough day, there’s someone you can text or phone who’ll really understand what you’re going through.
Zoë’s been that kind of friend for me – even though we’d both been single parents for a while. And we’ve had lovely messages from readers saying that our book has been the friend and guide for them that we hoped it would. It’s helped them feel that things are going to be okay! It’s got logical steps to consider. Any situation can be improved by working out a plan for how you’re going to make things better. Even just a daily ‘to-do’ list can ground you and help you to feel more positive!
GV: What are some of the top priorities for a to-do list that newly-single parents should consider?
REBECCA: The first issues to address are the basics: Where am I going to live? … How am I going to pay for things? … and Who’s going to be in charge of my child(ren)? And each needs to be broken down further. To answer the question of where you’ll live, for example, start by making a list of all the options. And that can be the one thing you do that day – because you can’t do it all at once!
Step two might be making a budget; thinking about where you stand financially, and what support you might need. The list is about breaking down all those tasks into tiny, manageable bites.
GV: Why’s it helpful to keep the long-term goal of a happy, fulfilled single-parenthood in mind – given that this may feel far-fetched or even impossible at the time?
REBECCA: There’s a saying about writing that’s kind of appropriate for anyone facing single parenthood: ‘If you write one word a day, you’ll eventually have written a book. If you write nothing, you’ll never get that book written.’ When you’re in a tough spot, having your family’s happiness as the goal for your ‘finished book’ can really help you to keep going, one tiny step at a time. For me, that was the inspiration I needed.
Meeting people like Zoë and others we’ve connected with through Frolo was a real eye-opener …
ACHIEVING AMAZING THINGS
There are plenty of contented, successful single parents out there. Yes, there are lots of challenges, and many people are struggling. But that doesn’t mean that they’re not inspirational, capable people with an enormous capacity for growth and for achieving amazing things, giving their children the best start possible in life.
That’s another reason why it’s so important to connect with other single parents; it’ll quickly rewrite your impressions of single parenthood and help you to see the potential in your situation.
GV: When someone’s really struggling or feeling totally daunted by the challenges they face, what’s one quick fix you suggest?
REBECCA: I’m nearly a decade into single parenting, and yet I still have to remind myself on tough days that I can’t look after my son if I’m not looking after myself. Keeping in mind a couple of things you can do to help yourself feel better is an absolute necessity. For me, one of them is making a cup of tea – very British of me! But I know that at any point of the day I can go and have that little time-out.
Even if you’ve got a young baby, babies are allowed to cry for the time it takes the kettle to boil.
Or maybe it’s calling a friend who’ll know how you’re feeling. Or making a list of three things you’re grateful for. Something that’ll make you feel a tiny bit better in that moment will help bolster you to deal with what’s ahead.
ZOË: I completely agree! You need to ‘put on your own oxygen mask first’ – just be kind to yourself. It is overwhelming at times, and single parents understand the juggle more than anyone. It’s easy to get into that mindset of, I’m not doing any of this well … as you ping-pong between work and parenting and the household. So remember to be kind to yourself – understand that your struggles aren’t a sign that you’re doing a bad job, but that it’s just a tough situation.
And when you’re really struggling, it can help to just write down everything you’re worrying about, and all those fears about the future. Then (and this is equally important), write down at least three things you can look forward to.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF:
Start with something small and easy: a bubble bath … a coffee catch-up with a friend … a run or a workout… Then, the next thing should be a medium-term treat – something needing a bit more organisation – like a night out, a short trip (with or without your child), or some kind of event. Get it into your diary as soon as possible. And the final thing is to identify a long-term goal that you can work towards.
This should be something you can look forward to when you’ve ticked off everything else on your list and are settling into your new life. It could be a family holiday or celebration … a luxury purchase ‘just for you’ … or something else significant. Dream big! It’ll give you such a boost to think about the rewards of getting to that point.
GV: Speaking of ‘getting to that point’ … you write: “Ideally you’ll reach a place where you can celebrate, rather than just accept, your status as a solo head of a family.” What are some things that get in the way of that?
REBECCA: I’ve worked in the media my whole career, and I think the media’s predominant narrative about single parenting is that of the hardship … the financial burden … the strain … Those things certainly do exist, but the way that single parenting is represented (especially when it comes to single mums) is decidedly negative. Add to that our current political climate worldwide, predominant views on what families ‘should’ look like – it’s understandable that there’s a deep-rooted sense of shame attached to single parenting.
So you need to be mindful of the kinds of messages you’re taking in, and consider the impact that might have on how you feel about your own situation as a single parent – because if you’re constantly taking in bad news then it’s easy to feel that everything’s hopeless.
That’s why it’s so helpful to intentionally watch or read some inspirational stories about single parenthood – like The Pursuit of Happyness … or Erin Brockovich. Because, really, the single-parent stories that are most inspiring are real-life stories.
ZOË: I’ll add to that the importance of giving our kids meaningful connections with other single parent families – to destigmatise it, so that our kids don’t feel that sense of ‘othering’. I’m so glad that my son Billy doesn’t feel like his situation is totally different from everyone else – he’s so used to hanging out with other single parents and their kids.
GV: What do you recommend for those attempting to ‘co-parent’ – especially when there’s a mismatch of styles or expectations between households?
ZOË: Some co-parents can do things like shared birthday parties, joint Christmas celebrations, or even civil phone conversations about what the child’s extra-curricular activities might be for the next year. But when co-parenting is impossible, we’ve found that ‘parallel-parenting’ can help to keep conflict to a minimum.
Parallel-parenting means that both parents stick quite strictly to boundaries … keeping things business-like … avoiding unnecessary contact … keeping communication as neutral and basic as possible. And it doesn’t always have to be like that, or for everything. For example, you might alternate between more cooperative co-parenting and parallel-parenting, depending on the issue or the situation.
REBECCA: So true. The facts is, your child’s changing all the time … their needs are changing … and life’s changing, too! You might get to a point where you find that you and your co-parent have to make a decision – and you feel completely differently about it. But something you have to come to grips with in co-parenting is that you can’t control another person. You can only control the decisions that you make.
SAFE AND HAPPY?
You have to put your trust in yourself, as a single parent – that the choices you’re making for your child when they’re with you are the best possible choices you can make. And if your co-parent is making different choices, understand that they’re also making the best choices they can. And if those choices don’t align, that’s okay – so long as the other parent is also creating a safe and happy environment.
You don’t need them to do things the same. If your child has a different bedtime … different diet … different screen-time rules … then, so long as they seem to be content with the situation, that’s okay. Children are adaptable; they can deal with differences between their homes, as long as both homes are safe and loving. Obviously, it would be wonderful if everything could be the same between their two homes, but that’s just not always realistic.
GV: So part of becoming a ‘happy single parent’ is knowing how to let go of things you can’t control, as long as it’s not harmful for your child?
ZOË: Definitely. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that being a good parent means making sure that the other home is doing things the same way – and it’s really hard to relinquish that control, because you feel so responsible for your child. You want to ensure that they’re supported and nurtured in the way that you would do it, in all areas of their life.
I’ve personally had to develop mantras in order to detach (to an extent) from the things I can’t control. You really have to rewire your brain to pour your energy and focus into what you do have control over and creating the most loving, nurturing, safe environment for your child when they’re in your care. That’s a far better use of your time and energy – but it doesn’t happen overnight.
GV: One of the boundaries you recommend is about curbing your ‘need to know’ what the other parent is getting up to …
REBECCA: Especially if you’ve got young children, it feels so unnatural to be away from them – so when you get them back, you want to know exactly what they’ve done … where they’ve been … who they’ve spoken to … and what situations they’ve been in. If you don’t have a good line of communication with your child’s co-parent, it can feel like your child is the only source of all that ‘need to know’ information – but that’s not good for either of you.
What you need to do is just welcome them home with a simple, “How are you? Have you had a nice time? What do you need from me now?”
MIXED EMOTIONS
Your kids will likely be dealing with a lot of different emotions. Especially if they’re young and this is all new, it can be really hard for them. So you want to be especially gentle. Focus on them in those moments of transition, without adding your own stress or emotions to the mix. And if they come back and start crying for the other parent, don’t beat yourself up about it.
ZOË: Totally! I remember feeling so insecure when that happened with my son – like, “He just wants to be with his Dad!” But after speaking with other single parents, I realised that it’s so common. It’s often just a part of the process for kids – not a sign that you’re doing a bad job or failing them in some way.
GV: What’s your best advice for maintaining communication in a challenging co-parenting relationship?
REBECCA: If you’ve got a wonderful line of communication, and you can chat and text and keep everything friendly, that’s ideal. But if you’re in a difficult situation where you find yourself walking on eggshells, or your co-parent is flaring your emotions all the time – just cut back contact to the barest, most boring minimum to discourage any excesses. We call it the ‘Grey Rock’ approach. If they ask you how you are, you’re ‘fine’. And if they want to know what you’ve been up to, reply vaguely, ‘this and that’ – rather than encouraging them to continue the conversation or seek more than the basics.
Also, you don’t have to answer the phone or respond to a text message. When you’ve got young children and they’re with the other parent, it feels like it’s your duty to always be on call; but it’s not. It’s fine to not respond to everything; and it’s okay to communicate via a neutral party, if necessary.
GV: You emphasise the value of financial independence for both the single parent and for their children – but you also acknowledge how difficult that is to achieve, given the high cost of living … For someone starting out, what should their first priorities be as they work towards that goal?
REBECCA: The absolute first thing you need to do is a budget. You need to figure out what’s possible – can you pay all your bills on your income, or do you need extra help? – and investigate what official support might be available for you to bridge that gap. There may be ways for you to stay in your home, for example. And it’s good to know if you’ve got some back-up. I knew from day one as a single mum that, if I couldn’t figure it out, Jack and I could probably just go to my mum’s for a year or two. I know that not everybody has that option, but having a back-up like that can alleviate the stress a bit.
Zoë and I both feel strongly that financial independence is freedom – for anyone in any kind of relationship, but particularly for women …
FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILD
If you can get to a place where you’re fully responsible for your finances and your home, then that’s ideal. However, there’s no shame in utilising a child maintenance arrangement with your co-parent. After all, this is about your child’s wellbeing – in order that they might have the most comfortable, safe, secure life possible.
GV: Do you have any budgeting tips?
REBECCA: Well, you can’t make savings until you figure out where your money’s going. And just be mindful that the situation is ever-changing. When your children are really young, you’ll have lots of extra childcare costs to figure out, but it gets easier as they start school.
Finances have always been the biggest stress for me as a single parent. But as my son’s grown I’ve found more bits of time to do extra work. So we recommend that people be creative in working out little side-hustles …
Another really big thing for me, as someone for whom money is always tight, is to try hard to prioritise some savings – even if it’s just a small amount each month. It’s like that saying about writing a book: just keep adding tiny bits to the pot and making incremental progress, so that when something goes wrong you’ve got that safety net available.
Beyond that, it’s vital to be realistic about what you do and don’t need. It’s okay if you can’t afford the things that some of your friends can afford. And that’s not a bad life-lesson for your children, either.
GV: We’ve all heard the negatives about being a solo parent, but what for you personally have been the greatest positives?
ZOË: Thank you for asking, because I think it’s so important to acknowledge the positives. My son Billy and I have this incredible bond. We get to spend this time together, just me and him. The two of us have been on lots of holidays, and despite my insecurities about him becoming bored with just his mum for company, it’s actually been so special to build those memories together.
One of my non-single friends has three kids, and she once told me, “You and Billy are both so lucky, because you get all this one-on-one time together. I don’t remember the last time I had that with any of my kids.” She’s now carved out one day a year for each of her children, where she gets to focus on them one-on-one – and that’s amazing. But it takes a lot of effort and organisation on her part to make it happen.
HOME AS A SANCTUARY
So I do think I’m incredibly lucky. The years go by too quickly; having that regular time together is so meaningful, and I absolutely love it. I also feel really proud of the person it’s helped me to become – the person Billy gets to experience as his mother – and our home that’s become such a sanctuary.
REBECCA: I completely agree. It’s a privilege to have this bond and so much one-on-one time with my son. And like Zoë, I’m grateful for the person that it’s allowed me to become. I started off sort of following the script of job, partner, marriage, house, baby. But then I veered off script quite spectacularly – and that process of shame and struggle made me question almost everything in my life.
But I eventually realised that I don’t need to follow the rules or stick to that script just because “it’s what we do” – and that’s made me a whole new person. I now approach life in a completely different way … it’s made me much more open-minded … and I feel like I’m living far more authentically now. Which is not just good for me, but incredibly positive for my son Jack.
When Zoë and I say that we love being single parents, that’s not an overstatement. We genuinely do!
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ZOË & REBECCA, CHECK OUT THEIR BOOK – ‘HOW TO BE A HAPPY SINGLE PARENT’ – AVAILABLE AT ALL GOOD BOOK RETAILERS.
