Happily ever after …

SO THE LOVELY PRINCESS kissed the ugly frog. And behold! He turned back into a handsome prince who whispered, “I love you! Will you marry me?” She cried, “Yes!” And in no time at all, the kingdom was bedecked with flags and banners for their wedding day. The couple looked radiant as they exchanged vows and rings. Bells rang, streamers fluttered, the peasants cheered wildly. And from that day on, they all lived happily ever after …

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Fairytales. That’s the way they always end – right? Oh, you might need the hero to slay a dragon, or trick a witch, or pose as a simple woodcutter, or search for a girl with glass slippers. But once the gluesome twosome have gone and got married … they live happily ever after.

“Happily ever after!” Three simple words. Got a nice ring to them, eh. Trouble is, in real life, real marriages don’t often turn out that way.

How come?

Why not?

Oh, you can find a million-and-one explanations. About men and women and marriages that fail. About mistakes to make and how not to make ‘em. About communication, compatibility, and all that lovely stuff.

But what happens to people who DO live “happily ever after” – or close to it? What happens to couples whose marriages SURVIVE – well, maybe not forever, but at least, say, 20 years, 30 years, 40 or even 50?

Is the handsome prince still a handsome prince … or has he turned back into a frog? And that beautiful princess? She’ll have a few wrinkles by now, surely, not to mention stretch marks and grey hairs. And what about mortgages, cranky kids, suburban neuroses and all the other uglies? They may not feature in fairytales, but they loom large in most real-life marriages. 

By now our curiosity was aroused. So we tracked down six couples who were still couples. Six couples who’d been married a long time. Six couples who still (they assured us) loved each other and found their lives together rewarding.

Why these particular couples? No special reason. Just that they’d all been married … to the self-same person … for 20-50 years … and were still happy … and still in love. Some were Kiwis from way-back-when. Some were imports (from England, Australia, Zimbabwe). And one couple was barely two years out of Bangladesh. They were a fair cross-section of ages, professions, incomes – and most of them had been through stormy waters, one way or another.

We asked them how they discovered each other; what was the main attraction; and whether the magic still worked – after all these years? We asked them why they were still together; how they coped with conflict; and what they’d learned – after all these years?

Some of them wanted to protect their privacy … so we changed their names. Others said, “Go ahead – quote me!” … so we did the best we could in the space we’ve got.

Any startling conclusions? Yes, a few things stand out:

Everyone we spoke to told us: tough times happen!

Everyone’s early dream of ‘the perfect partner’ sooner or later got dented!

Everyone, without exception, con-fessed the secret that is really no secret. The route to a deeper, richer, enduring relationship is the same as it’s always been: staying true to commitment … working at love … and accepting each other, warts-and-all!

Does “happily ever after” appeal to you? Does it sound like something you could aim at? Well, read on …

How did you meet each other?

DAVID: We met at someone’s 21st birthday party, actually. But we didn’t start going out until 18 months later.

MARIA: We really knew very little about each other. Transport was the problem. We lived miles apart in the push-bike-and-horse era, so it wasn’t like we could see each other frequently. 

DAVID: We got engaged in September and married the following May. Maria was still 21 – I’d just turned 22.

SHAILA: We’d never even met each other before our wedding day. I’d seen his photograph, that’s all. So everything was new. It was like I was dreaming. But my parents knew me and loved me. I trusted them to choose the right person, the best person for me.

MUKHLES: I had to get to know her, study her. Even after marrying, we had little free time. When you’re living in a wider family as we were with my family, you end up with hardly any privacy. Family members were coming and going, and lots of formality. It wasn’t easy to get close to each other. 

SHAILA: However, very slowly it happened. We had to think about each other, watch the way we each did things, get used to each other’s ways.

SHARON: Well, I’d just had my wisdom teeth out! A friend said, “I can’t take you out looking like that – people will think you’ve got mumps!” So he took me back to the flat he was sharing with Kevin. Kevin was at medical school …

KEVIN: I gave her a painkiller, but she could hardly get it into her mouth. It certainly wasn’t ‘love-at-first-sight’!

CLAIRE: We met at a ball. I actually hadn’t wanted to go. I wasn’t interested in the guy who’d asked me out. It was a terrible day – pouring buckets of rain – and the guy I’d gone with got very drunk and deserted me. But then I met Norman …

NORMAN: My partner had got the sulks or something and gone off too. So there we were, Claire and I – babes in the wood!

PATRICK: We were at a party, and I saw this exciting young lady with lovely sexy legs (chuckle)! We enjoyed a dance together. And then – blow me – she started flirting with someone else!

HELEN: Yes, I remember thinking I liked the look of this young man. He had an interesting face and beard … but I didn’t want to let him know I was interested!

JOHN: I went down to work on Agnes’s parents’ farm. I needed money to study medicine in England. So that’s how we met. I was pretty ‘smitten’.

AGNES: He fitted in so well with our family. They all enjoyed John because he was a bit of a challenge. We were country kids and here was this smooth guy from the big city.

What first attracted you to each other?

■ DAVID: You mean apart from her being good looking? Well, we were both from dairy farms. So there were lots of things we were on the same wavelength over.

MARIA: David was very ‘solid’ … like dependable, reliable. He wasn’t erratic in any way. Always calm and collected.

■ KEVIN: I wanted a partner who was attractive – not just physically, but her views on life and so on. It was important to me that my partner had achieved something. In Sharon’s case it was a degree from London University.

SHARON: We got on well together. We liked the same things. I didn’t have a stereotype of the sort of person I wanted to marry … but I couldn’t have stood someone who was ‘dithery’. Kevin knew what he wanted to do and he got on with it. I liked that.

■CLAIRE: I had a lovely grandfather. He had wonderful qualities. Gentleness. Kindness. He spoke well of people. He loved gardening. I guess I saw those same qualities in Norman.

NORMAN: Initially, of course, it was physical attraction. And she also had an air of … well, not mystery exactly, but ‘hidden depths’. She came from a very close family set-up. That was important. I discovered, too, that she was refined, outgoing, with a sort of quietness and a strong faith. I found that very attractive.

■ PATRICK: I liked the way she stood up for her principles. I was very impressed that she would go against the edicts of her family. A white woman teaching in a black school (Zimbabwe) was extremely unusual. But most of all I think it was her strong sense of justice and fairness and loyalty. Through that, Helen showed me the face of God.

HELEN: Initially it was his slightly Bohemian appearance. Then, as I got to know him, I discovered he’s extremely artistic, creative, musical … and very passionate about lots of things!

■MUKHLES: Well, it’s a part of our religious (Moslem) belief, you know, that the wife is built out of the husband’s bone. In western society that may not be so, but for us we find it still works.

SHAILA: In our culture marriages mostly last. Sometimes people do re-marry, but it’s not very common. It looks bad. Everyone always thinks, if a marriage breaks up, that it’s the woman’s fault. So in Bangladesh, women try very hard to keep the marriage together.

■JOHN: We had lots in common. But I don’t think we realised how much we didn’t have in common. I’d got to know Agnes’s family, and originally I fell in love with the family. I felt so at home there. I reckon it’s important to get to know each other’s families and be comfortable with them … because they’re often very different.

AGNES: John’s father was more into the ‘head of the household’ style of thing …

JOHN: Not that he was autocratic. But it was very much ‘father knows best’ – and if there was a difference of ideas, he had the deciding vote. 

AGNES: My parents had a more ‘equal partners’ idea of marriage. Dad had been through a lot during the war. As a conscientious objector he’d been really shunned by people – even his own family. He was a quiet, gentle person … very peace-loving. Mother was a strong character, but she’d never override him. They always deferred to each other.

Are those same qualities still important today?

■ DAVID: In those early days I didn’t think Maria had any faults. Now, of course, I know different! But love doesn’t depend on perfection – we all find we’re not perfect. But I still say she’s everything I ever hoped for in a woman … all I ever wanted. And she’s been a wonderful mother.

■JOHN: Yes, those same qualities are still important. In those early days I was in-love with Agnes. Now I love her. There’s a big difference.

■MUKHLES: We’ve come to a very deep friendship, yes. Closeness. Intimacy. Of course, we still have some arguments. Sometimes I don’t talk to Shaila for two days (chuckle)! But that’s part of life …

SHAILA: … and it’s good too. It’s good to let that anger out!

■ CLAIRE: Norman’s patience, kindness, gentleness – they’re even more important to me now than they were when we met.

■ PATRICK: The things we admired in each other are still there. But we’ve discovered they’re also sources of potential conflict. When that early romance began to – what’s the word, fade? – I began to feel irritated by some of the very qualities I’d admired!

HELEN: Yes, they’re still very attractive. But the other side of the coin is that someone who’s passionate and exciting and always having new ideas, can be exhausting to live with – particularly when he doesn’t complete one project before leaping into a new one! This can sometimes produce a lot of friction …

What do you do when you get up each other’s noses?

■HELEN:Well, we work pretty hard at communicating. I appreciate his qualities and I can tell him, now, when he’s doing something that creates tension. Patrick now understands, for example, how I feel about his going off on new things. And one of his most endearing qualities is that he’s always willing to look at himself and do something about changing. 

■JOHN: Our big breakthrough came when we realised what underlay the tension. My parents were missionaries, and I had gone to boarding school at seven. So I became a loner. I liked people and got on well with them – I just never wanted to be too close. But when Agnes and I went off to work in the jungles of Papua New Guinea, we realised there was no alternative. If we couldn’t work it out together we were going to have a lonely relationship.

AGNES: John was busy with medical work, I was busy with the family, and there wasn’t much opportunity for closeness and sharing. I didn’t really know what was going on in his heart. I’d try to share with him how I was feeling, but he’d always put me into a little picture-frame: “Well, you’re like that because …”

JOHN: Yes, I’d want to explain away those feelings − instead of listening to them. But the more we got through the ‘feelings barrier,’ the more it turned our relationship from black-and-white into technicolour!

What lessons has marriage has taught you?

■CLAIRE: That it’s really important for couples to compromise … to communicate … to have a little give-and-take. I think it’s healthy when conflicts crop up. It might sound like everything’s always been rosy for us – but we’ve had our disagreements, and we’ve learned to talk them through.

NORMAN: It’s good when two people enjoy each other’s company, and enjoy doing things together. Music or gardening or walking or whatever. Sometimes when I’m on my own somewhere, it flashes through my mind, “I wish Claire could see this or hear this” – because I know how much she’d enjoy it. Mind you, we’re also good at doing our own thing, too …

CLAIRE: Yes, it’s nice to go down this path together, but it’s also good to have little side excursions here and there, and to come back together and talk about what that was like, who was there, what they said, whether or not you agree with them.

■JOHN: One of the important lessons is learning to cope with differences of opinion. And we’ve had a few. They’ve never been major things, but we’ve always been able to talk about them.

AGNES: I was chuckling the other day. I’d just got the bathroom basin all nice and clean and he went and trimmed his whiskers in it! I could’ve got very annoyed about that …

JOHN: But didn’t he clean it up?

AGNES: No! He didn’t!

JOHN: I thought he did?

AGNES: Not totally!

JOHN: Not totally? What – he left two whiskers? (Laughs all round!)

AGNES: Sometimes a little foible like this can assume gigantic proportions and lead to huge fights. But I think, as we’re learned to accept each other, we’ve avoided that.

JOHN: I’ll give you another example. We both have very different styles of driving. When I get in the car I enjoy it to the max. I love looking at people and the scenery. I’m not terribly worried if we’re in the correct lane to turn right – or even whether we need to turn right. And this used to really bug Agnes.

AGNES: I can remember in the driveway one day. The kids had heard me nagging John, and they were all saying, “Go on, mum – you get in! You drive!”

JOHN: But then one day you just decided that you weren’t going to worry …

AGNES: Well, what was the point of bagging him about his driving? What was I trying to do? Change his style? And why was his style any worse than mine? So I decided I’d just sit there, accept him, and … love him.

JOHN: And that did far more to change my driving habits than if she’d kept nagging me. Acceptance is a very powerful ingredient for a good marriage. It doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or wrong. It means just accepting the other person as he or she is.

■DAVID: One of the things you learn is that you don’t love someone because they’re perfect. You love them because of who they are, imperfections and all. One of the biggest mistakes any couple can make is trying to change one another.

MARIA: David can be a terrible ‘fidgeter’. He fidgets with things when we sit and watch TV. Or he taps his foot or swings his leg. Although I must say he has improved!

DAVID: It’s a two-way thing. You have to remember that because you love each other, you can easily hurt each other. Maria can say something to me which, if anyone else said it, would be water-off-a-duck’s-back. But if she says it, it hurts. Then again, sometimes a good argument clears the air. And you know you’re always going to make up – which changes everything!

Is there anything major that’s put your marriage under strain?

■MUKHLES: Yes. When our first child, our daughter, was just six months old the doctors told us she was going to die.

SHAILA: I didn’t believe it at first. I didn’t really think she would die that young. But my father and my sister, who are both doctors, they told me that our daughter had something wrong with her blood – haemoglobin breakdown.

MUKHLES: We had her till she was 14. We’d hoped that she might have lived to 20 – maybe 22. But it wasn’t to be. It was time for her to go. I still remember those days very clearly …

SHAILA: She needed a blood transfusion twice a month. Mukhles had a good job outside Dacca, but we had to move. All the trips – it was a very tiring journey. It was hard for us, but it was the best thing for her. There was such pain for her, every time she needed the transfusion. But now she’s at peace.

MUKHLES: It was a very bad time, but it really pulled us together. 

■ SHARON: Kevin was very ill at one stage. He got meningitis when the children were very young, and was in hospital for three weeks, off work for about 10. Before that, our youngest son (at 15 months) had a tumour in his chest – it turned out to be benign. Oh, and we’ve had a cannabis episode with one of the kids!

KEVIN: Each time we were worried, of course, floundering around, wondering what to do …

SHARON: But in the long term, these upsets drew us together. Yes, we do have friends, but neither of us are likely to go off to other people for advice. We’re more likely to talk – really work it through together.

■ JOHN: Crises seem to either draw a couple closer, or split them apart. It depends on the kind of communication they have. It’s the same with having children – kids will either strengthen a good marriage or weaken a poor one. And any stressful event will do that. 

So how do you feel about love’n’marriage after all these years of doing it?

■ PATRICK: For me, the most wonderful thing is knowing that, no matter what, Helen will never ever desert me. And I’ll never desert her. That’s an absolute, rock-solid ‘given’. We both made a commitment that if either of us is ever struggling about our relationship or is attracted to someone else, we’ll talk about it and put it out there. Because our relationship’s too important to risk.

HELEN: I feel the same about the
permanence of our marriage. I just can’t imagine myself feeling any other way.

PATRICK: Helen and I struggled at first when we were courting. I’d had a bad experience with a relationship, and it took me a long time to trust again. So when we finally got married we were quite determined that we were going to make this work – and we constantly chose to love each other and work through our problems.

HELEN: I believe it’s vital to enjoy doing the same sorts of things together. For example, if we want to go the movies, we’ll look at what’s on and, nearly always, we’ll want to see the same thing. Not that we have identical interests. Patrick does more art. And he’s more athletic than I am – so he’ll run where I’ll walk. But we enjoy hiking in the bush together. 

PATRICK: It’s meant that we’ve constantly been attracted to each other. There’s a wonderful erotic quality to our relationship. We like having fun together. We like playing. We enjoy our sexual relationship. All in all, I’d say we’re best friends.

HELEN: Which doesn’t mean, of course, that we haven’t had terrible fights, too!

PATRICK: I feel very safe with Helen. I do things now and have developed in ways that I would never have been able to do – wouldn’t have thought of even trying – if it wasn’t for Helen.

■ JOHN: Love is a very changeable thing. Sometimes I get up in the morning and I don’t feel like loving anybody. But I’m committed to loving Agnes, so … I love her! The bottom layer is commitment, the next layer is marriage, and the final layer is love. Love is something you ‘do’ – not necessarily something you ‘feel’ all the time. But by doing it, you’re more likely to feel it.

AGNES: The challenge is: learning to become a loving person. Learn to love myself, and to love and accept my partner. And marriage is the ideal workshop in which to sort that out.

Grandkids – what changes do they bring?

■ DAVID: Well, you can enjoy babies without having to change nappies!

MARIA: They’re an endless source of pleasure. Ours range from 23 years down to three months old. So life’s full of variety. David loves following his grandchildren’s fortunes in rugby – some Saturdays he’s got to choose between three different games!

DAVID: One of my grandson’s ambitions was to beat me in tennis. He had to wait till he was 14, but he did it!

■ CLAIRE: I never imagined having grandkids would be so wonderful. You can’t describe it – it just won’t go into words. It’s so magical!

NORMAN: I didn’t particularly want to be a grandparent − but we now have the loveliest little granddaughter. And I’m noticing a lot more about what she does and how she’s developing than I noticed in my own kids at the same age. We’re both doting grandparents …

Is sex still fun after all these years? Or does it get boring?

■ JOHN: As far as we’re concerned, it’s been a 43-year warm-up!

AGNES: Yes, it’s different every time! Some people seek gratification with different sexual partners. But who’s to say that’s going to be any better just because you’re changing partners? 

JOHN: Sex is not just a physical thing. It involves the whole person. And it’s something you ‘learn’ together to do well. So often, when people find sex disappointing, it’s because they don’t have any emotional communication. You can’t have one without the other. If we’re growing in that ‘oneness of soul’, our sex life will enhance that. But if we’re emotionally barren, sex will be sometimes good, sometimes awful … and it can quickly turn sour. I think, for the most part, sexual satisfaction is not so much about ‘getting’ but rather ‘giving’.

What have your children learned about marriage from watching their parents?

■ PATRICK: Hopefully, that our culture’s got it wrong. That living all this out with each other – working and struggling and committing and forgiving – is the road to happiness. Sadly, the popular wisdom out there is: “If it’s hard, chuck it away – it’s not worth it.”

HELEN: People think, “Oh, this relationship’s not going well … maybe we’re not right for each other? … perhaps there’s something better out there?” But the risk is that they just repeat the same mistakes all over again. Or they never move from where they start. You can’t reach that richer, deeper love without going through the struggle, feeling some pain, and facing the challenges. It simply doesn’t happen – except perhaps in fairytales.

KEEPERS OF THE VINE