A CONVERSATION WITH JOSHUA COLEMAN
Dr Joshua Coleman is no stranger to this subject. As a relationship expert, he’s counselled hundreds of unhappy families. He uses big words – like ‘estrangement’ – to describe what happens when parents fall out with their adult children. And, having fallen out with his oldest daughter, he knows first-hand how painful and complicated a strained relationship can be.
His latest book, ‘Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict’ offers practical advice to parents whose child has severed contact. Needless to say, we couldn’t wait to talk to him …
GRAPEVINE: Perhaps you could start by telling us about your personal encounter with this painful subject?
DR JOSHUA COLEMAN: Well, my eldest daughter’s mother and I divorced when she was young. When I married my current wife and started a family with her, my daughter (understandably) felt displaced. Some years later, she was trying to process that painful chapter, and needed to talk to me about it. But I handled it badly. And that drove a wedge between us.
Being estranged from my girl was an awful experience, and I found little help in books or other resources. It was only when I stopped defending myself – when I learned to listen and take responsibility – that our relationship began to improve.
GV: What makes adult children want to cut ties with their parents?
JOSH: Oh, there are many reasons. Divorce is obviously one. The child may be brainwashed by the other parent – or just choose to take sides. And linked to that is the arrival of a new partner (for either the parent or the child).
Sometimes an alienated child is under the influence of the person they’ve married – for example, a strong-minded or troubled son-in-law or daughter-in-law, driving a wedge between them and their parents.
Estranged children may not know how else to escape from overbearing ‘helicopter’ parents – short of cutting them off from further intruding in their children’s lives.
Therapy can sometimes cause a rift, sadly. Therapists can wrongly assume that past trauma or poor parenting is to blame for a child’s mental health issues – and might counsel them that a separation would be safer.
In the same way, social media influencers (with zero psychological training) sometimes encourage people to break contact with parents they label as ‘toxic’ or ‘narcissistic’, for example.
Mental illness is another pathway to estrangement. Sometimes kids who end contact with a parent do so because they’re going through depression, a manic episode, or something similar. Or their mental illness may cloud the way they see the parent.
Something that parents often find very confusing are cultural or generational ‘shifts’ on what constitutes abusive behaviour. Rightly or wrongly, a lot of what’s considered ‘abuse’ today wasn’t necessarily seen that way by earlier generations (who may have been told: ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’, for instance).
Finally, estranged children just may have felt too hurt or wounded by whatever real harm, hurt or neglect happened in the past to feel it’s worth opening the door to the parent.
GV: Wow! So where do you start? How do you work your magic with estranged families?
JOSH: I typically work with both the parent and the adult child. It’s usually the parent who reaches out to me – and the child who’s done the ‘estranging’.
From the CHILD’s perspective, there are advantages to that separation. It can feel like they’re pushing back against those who’ve hurt them … or taking steps to protect their mental health, their personal boundaries, or their sense of identity.
For the PARENT, however, there’s really no advantage – it’s all loss, shame, guilt and heartbreak. Because of this imbalance, I make my position clear to both parties: it’s up to the parents to accept responsibility and take the lead.
This isn’t like marriage therapy, where both parties have an equal say over the outcome. It’s more like divorce therapy, where your spouse has left you but they’re open to giving you another chance.
So those are the rules when it comes to counselling:
• the PARENT has to take the lead … they have to show empathy … they have to take responsibility … they have to find the kernel of truth … they can’t defend … they can’t explain … they can’t criticise;
• and the ADULT CHILD has to communicate their feelings in a calm and reasonable way – without shaming.
GV: Okay. So what is Step #1 for a parent who wants to be reconciled with an estranged child?
JOSH: Step #1, if you’re the parent, is to try to see things from your child’s perspective – even if your child doesn’t put it in a particularly loving way. As the parent, you need to recognise that, at some level, your grown-up child is really wanting to feel cared about and understood – and that defending yourself, explaining, or criticising your child won’t work. The only thing that really works is to take responsibility, to show empathy, to find the kernel (or the bushel!) of truth in what they’re saying.
Now, that can be hard for parents, because they often feel their behaviour is being interpreted inaccurately or unfairly. It’s natural to feel defensive. But we must accept the child’s view and let them know, “I recognise my influence on you as a person … I wasn’t aware that (whatever the issue) felt emotionally abusive to you, but I’m glad you let me know. I’m open to working on that and getting help for myself.”
The younger generations are very therapy-oriented, so therapy can help develop relationships when there’s been some proof of change or growth on the parent’s part.
The old ideas about parenting – how you can sort of demand loyalty or obligation or duty, the whole ‘honour thy mother’ or ‘respect thy elders’ thing – has definitely shifted in western societies. So parents can’t rely on that argument. The only thing that really works is to understand the adult child’s perspective.
This relationship can only survive in the context of personal growth and mental health – and helping parents recognise that, is a huge part of my work.
GV: How important is an apology from the parent? And, given that they often can’t see where they’ve erred or why they’ve been cut off, how do you bring them to this point?
JOSH: The first thing I tell parents to say is, “I know YOU wouldn’t have cut off contact unless you thought it was the best thing to do.” Right away, we’re acknowledging how the adult child is thinking – and moving the parent into a position of FRIEND, rather than FOE.
Now, the parent doesn’t feel like it’s the best thing for them to do – they feel incredibly hurt and scared, and often mad and unappreciated – but it’s not about the parent’s feelings at that point, it’s about the child’s.
I help parents write these letters all the time, and I’ve heard from many that their adult child has told them, “That was the one thing that helped me feel like I could reconnect with you …”
I encourage parents to acknowledge their blind spots, including the child’s reasons for the estrangement. I urge them to apologise for possibly neglecting to listen if/when their child has tried to communicate their feelings in the past. And they can conclude with something like, “I’m listening now. If you feel open to telling me more about your experience, I promise to read it – not so I can defend myself, but so I can listen and learn.”
The goal is to get the issues out on the table – “feel free to complain about me if you need to” – not so the parents can defend themselves and prove their child wrong, but rather so they can understand and deepen their empathy for their child.
GV: Parents in these situations are sometimes encouraged to just give it time. Is that good advice?
JOSH: Time and distance aren’t always helpful – and you especially don’t want to avoid responding at all when your adult child tells you they want distance. Even if you get a ‘no contact’ letter, you should still reply to that. It’s helpful to acknowledge that your child must have good reasons for that choice, that you take responsibility for your part in things, and that you’re open to further discussion whenever they’re ready.
If there’s no reply, follow up after a few weeks to see if your child has received your response, and if they’d like to communicate further. But I don’t think parents have to keep beating their head against that wall. If your adult child wants you to refine your apology and get more specific, then that’s one thing – but if they’re not responding at all, it doesn’t really help to keep apologising.
I do think that people should continue to reach out to grandchildren, though – unless they’re having gifts ‘returned to sender’ – because grandchildren’s experience of ‘no contact’ is different from that of their parents, who’ve made that choice.
GV: If an adult child has chosen to cut themselves off from their parent (or parents), why might they want to resume contact and maybe a relationship?
JOSH: Well, there are several advantages. Research shows that estranged children tend to carry feelings of guilt and shame about that relationship. So restoring contact helps address those emotions.
Of course, adult children shouldn’t be encouraged to engage with a parent who’s an out-of-control alcoholic or who constantly humiliates their child over their sexuality or gender identity or something like that – but I think that, in focusing on the importance of boundaries, we’ve encouraged a whole generation of people to avoid conflict rather than turn towards it.
In fact, it’s therapeutic for people (as kindly as possible) to be direct about things they feel are important for them and their relationship with parents. I encourage estranged adult children to face their parents and address the things they’re upset about – no matter how they respond. (Although I also coach the parents to respond appropriately.)
I think that working through conflict makes you stronger.
When people ask me about cutting out toxic fathers, narcissistic mothers, or whatever, I ask them to consider the impact of that decision on the person involved and on the family in general. An estrangement impacts virtually everybody in the family. Siblings and parents may be divided over it … grandparents may side with their adult children over the grandchildren, or vice versa.
If there are children in the mix, it cuts them off from cousins and aunts and uncles … and typically, if an adult child cuts off the parent, they also cut off access to their grandchildren, which is an incredible loss to everyone.
GV: When an adult child cuts off contact with only one parent – should the other parent or extended family tolerate that?
JOSH: My theory is, the fewer degrees of separation the better! If you’re invited to your niece’s wedding, but your sister – her mother – wasn’t, you should attend the wedding if you want to. I recommend that the estranged parent tells everybody to go who wants to – because if they don’t go, your child will probably assume that you as the estranged parent told them not to. And that’s not going to help your relationship.
So yes, I typically say: allow those relationships to continue – but in a clear-headed way.
People can also help more up close than they can from a distance. That doesn’t always mean they can advocate for the estranged parent or the estranged adult child, but they can at least communicate something like,
“I love you both, and you don’t have to choose … and I don’t want to have to choose, either. If you’d like to talk to me, I’ll listen, but I can’t take sides.”
Ideally, the parent who’s still in touch with the adult child must be able to hear their complaint and empathise, even if they don’t agree with their criticisms of the estranged parent. They don’t want to dismiss or argue on those points; but they can mention that their own experience and perspective differ, while acknowledging that those of their child are still valid.
At some stage, they can sometimes open up about the estranged parent’s pain over the separation and their willingness to try and restore that relationship – whether that means individual counselling or family therapy.
GV: Moving towards reconciliation would require some skill on the part of the parent – right?
JOSH: Yes – because it’s not easy. Parents need to work on responding calmly, effectively and fearlessly in the face of their children’s accusations, rejections or criticisms.
I think most parents do the best they can. They love their children and want them to be happy, even those who fail miserably at it. So hearing from your child that you did fail, that you did hurt, wound, disappoint, or even traumatise them is hard. And it’s sort of human nature to want to push back and to get defensive.
But responding like that just makes things worse.
GV: You write that even the most devoted and conscientious parents can sometimes be viewed by their adult child as having been overly intrusive, critical, unsupportive and otherwise inadequate – and that’s especially true in cases where that child struggled with poor mental health, ADHD, or other challenges. Why is this? And what’s the remedy?
JOSH: Well, it happens because the adult child is looking for a way to direct the shame away from themselves. If you come into adulthood and you’ve had significant psychological issues, you’re likely to be carrying feelings of failure and shame. And blaming your parents is a way to shift the arrow of shame to your parent and away from yourself.
Because of this, I’ll typically counsel parents to accept more blame than might seem reasonable … They don’t have to do this forever, but the goal is to see if that helps free the child to accept themselves without a shroud of shame colouring everything in their existence.
GV: How can a parent reaching out to an estranged child still set healthy boundaries to ensure their own wellbeing?
JOSH: Particularly with troubled adult children, I tell the parents that healthy boundaries are about love and limits.
LOVE … because it’s not their child’s fault that they face psychological challenges. It’s not necessarily the parent’s fault either, but adult kids who are struggling do need more compassion and empathy.
They can also be abusive and take advantage of the parent, though, and that’s where LIMITS come in.
Parents can sometimes be prone to emotional manipulation, especially if they feel guilty or inadequate; but they need to set healthy boundaries. Limits are about being very clear what you are and aren’t willing to do … communicating that in a non-punitive way … and sticking to those boundaries.
If the child gets abusive every time they talk, the parent can say, “Look, I’m happy to have this conversation with you. You can tell me I was a terrible parent if you need to. But you can’t yell at me, call me names, or belittle me. If you want a different kind of relationship with me, I’m 100% open to that. Maybe I haven’t done a good job in the past, but I am paying attention. I’m willing to listen harder, but I’d like you, for your part, to communicate your feelings in a different way.”
And then, if the yelling continues, the parent needs to make the call and signal that the discussion is over for now, and that they’re open to resuming it when everyone’s calmer.
GV: You’ve got a whole chapter dedicated to ‘flashpoints’ – common areas of conflict that cause families to fall out. What are some of these issues, and how can parents navigate their way back to improved relationships with their grow-up kids?
JOSH: A hugely common flashpoint is around gender identity – a kid who wants to transition or who announces that they’re gender non-binary and gets mad at the parents if they won’t refer to them with their new name or pronouns. For issues like this, I remind parents that they no longer have the influence they did when that kid was a minor. That ship has sailed.
If they’re making gender a big point of contention, then you shouldn’t! If you want the relationship with them, you have to recognize that it’s their decision to make.
Another common source of conflict is politics. Something like 17 percent of families in the US become estranged over political differences. And the goal is to avoid getting into the rightness and the wrongness of it. You’re never going to persuade somebody that your political beliefs are right and theirs are wrong. Try to empathise with what you can … even say what you like about the opposing party or the person they admire. But your relationship is the priority – not who’s right and who’s wrong.
When it comes to religious differences, I tell parents, “Your child knows where you stand on this. You’re not going against what you believe. They don’t think you’re changing your mind about this, but they do know that you’ve accepted them.”
Once again, it’s your connection that’s important!
GV: Is it possible for estranged grandparents to still have a relationship with the grandchildren, even if they have ‘no contact’ with their own child? And if so, how might that be arranged?
JOSH: Sadly, estrangement usually involves losing contact with the grandchildren, but in a minority of cases, they may still keep in touch. It might not be how the grandparents would like, of course – it’s often under conditions where the visits are supervised, which can feel kind of humiliating.
Maybe their adult child allows them time with the kids, but not direct contact – they’ll allow a FaceTime call and then leave the room. Or they’ll maybe let the grandparents come over, but then sit and kind of observe them the whole time without really engaging with their parents.
The tragedy is that grandparents (assuming they’re not abusive, out of control people) can be a wonderful resource about the past – about what the adult child was like growing up … what the old country was like … the cultural, ethnic, and religious aspects of the family …
The research is clear: grandparents are hugely beneficial for children’s social and cognitive development. And that relationship is really helpful in fostering the grandparent’s sense of place and belonging and community.
GV: Have you got any tips for grandparents who are cut off from grandkids, to help them maintain a connection in some way?
JOSH: Things like writing letters … or keeping a journal to share family stories … or writing notes for the grandchildren to read one day – can all be helpful. Some grandparents keep a toy chest to put the Christmas and birthday gifts in each year … or they’ll start up a savings fund for the grandchildren’s education or something.
Sometimes they’ll leave a letter to the grandchildren in their will. For those who do, I caution them not to use it to blame the parents, but rather to leave the kind of legacy they’d want to leave to their grandchildren.
GV: What about coping strategies for parents who find themselves estranged long-term from their adult children?
JOSH: Community is incredibly important. Social isolation adds enormously to the pain that estranged parents and grandparents feel – so even just finding a Facebook group of others in the same boat is hugely helpful.
It’s also important for estranged parents to find their own satisfaction and happiness – to indulge in their own hobbies and live a full life despite that pain of separation.
And I think learning the fine art of radical acceptance is hugely valuable – accepting that there may not be anything else that you can do … Pain plus struggle equals suffering; the more we fight against painful feelings, the louder and stronger they get.
There can be kind of a blind hope, where we’re just hanging on in survival mode, refusing to accept how things are … So, I counsel parents to keep one foot solidly in radical acceptance – ‘it is what it is, and we may never be able to restore that relationship’ – and the other foot in ‘but who knows?’
A lot of reconciliations do happen over time. And it may be a matter of years. So never say never …
TO LEARN MORE, CHECK OUT JOSH COLEMAN’S WEBSITE: WWW.DRJOSHUACOLEMAN.COM. HIS BOOK – ‘RULES OF ESTRANGEMENT’ – IS AVAILABLE AT ALL GOOD BOOK RETAILERS.