• Free Trial
  • Get the Juice
  • Donate Now
Grapevine Magazine
  • Recent Mag
  • Sponsor
  • Library
    • Magazines by Year
    • Articles by Year
    • Articles by Category
  • About Us
    • Meet the Team
    • History
    • FAQs
    • Feedback
  • Contact
  • Book
Select Page
Back Chat

Backchat

Cocoa
by John Cooney

WHEN I STOP AND THINK about it, I’ve spent most of my life being outvoted by women. My mother started it … my sisters picked up on the habit … my wife perfected it … and my daughter, during her teenage years, turned it into an art-form!

For example? Well, I arrived home from work one day to be greeted at the front door by a pig. 

That’s right, a PIG! 

It was real, live, small and hairy (in that order). It was wearing a little white bonnet plus a red tartan vest. And it had been dressed for the occasion by my daughter. 

Dad, alarmed: “What on earth IS it?” 

Daughter, excited: “It’s Cocoa! She’s a pig. She’s only eight weeks old, and she’s come to live with us. Isn’t she CUTE?” 

Dad, suspicious: “So what’s she doing INSIDE?”

Daughter: “She just wants to say hello!” She picked the pig up and pointed its bristly snout at me: “Say hello to Grandad,” she said. But the pig just squealed, so she put it down.

Dad, threatening: “She’d better not pee on the CARPET!” 

Daughter: “No, Cocoa would never do THAT! She’s a good little girl – aren’t you Cocoa?” Whereupon Cocoa promptly peed on the carpet, and my wife rushed to mop it up.

Dad, seriously stressing: “So what’s Cocoa going to EAT?” 

Daughter: “Whatever WE eat – eh, Mum! She’s allowed three big meals a day.” 

Dad, panicking: “And where’s Cocoa going to SLEEP?”

Daughter: “Outside. In the pig-pen we’re going to build for her …” 

Dad, shouting, neck-veins bulging fit-to-burst: “But what about my LAWN? And the NEIGHBOURS? And the STINK?” 

My wife stepped in at this point, said I’m a grumpy old man, and if I’ve got nothing better to do I can go and hang out the washing. 

So, muttering poisonous threats about pork chops and bacon, I stomped off out to the clothesline with an armload of wet things – including (I discovered five minutes later) a little BIB that Cocoa apparently wore at mealtimes.

Printed on it – can you believe this? – was a picture of a tiny pig, and these touching words: “I Love My Mummy!” 

I came close that day to doing something I had never done before. I nearly called LIFELINE! 

AFTER SEEING WHAT COCOA ATE, WHERE SHE ATE IT, AND WHAT SHE DID AFTERWARDS, JOHN (GRAPEVINE’S FOUNDER & PUBLISHER) BECAME A VEGETARIAN! 

Latest Issue & Articles:
Issue 1, 2025
No results found.

Issue 1, 2025

The ‘F’ word

Unpacking forgiveness in an age of rage
By Rob Harley

The Teen Years

Navigating the bumpy journey
By Tracy Carter

Backchat

Wish-List
By John Cooney

Art of Manliness

There is no manliness without risk
By Brett & Kate McKay

Going Places

Astonishing Angkor
By John Cooney

Step right up!

Advocating for your child
By Tracy Carter
No results found.

Sponsor

  • Donate Now
  • Sponsor
  • Free Trial

About

  • Meet the Team
  • History
  • FAQs

Mag Library

  • Recent Mag
  • Magazines by Year
  • Articles By Year
  • Articles by Category

Get the Juice

Sign up to our enewsletter and keep up to date!

Follow Us

  • Follow
Visa and Mastercard logos
Grapevine Magazine uses SSL, does not store credit card details, and all payments are handled by a secure, PCI compliant, third party.

Copyright Grapevine Magazine. Privacy Policy | Terms & Conditions. Made with love by Husk & Ampersand Creative.