I’VE NEVER HAD A BABY. I’VE never conceived, been pregnant, or given birth to anything. So I’m probably the wrong person to be writing this. But, well, I used to BE a baby. That must count, surely.
Over the past half-century, I’ve ‘done time’ as an unpaid, worn-out parent and grandparent to untold babies. And I can’t understand why the toughest job on earth requires so few qualifications.
No one bothers to check your IQ, your marriage records, or your credit ratings. No one makes you subscribe to, enrol for, or fill out an order form. You don’t have to sit tests, sign here, or pay fees for your babies. You just go ahead and … well, you know … have them!
I mean, think about it: it’s harder to take a book out of the library than it is to bring a baby into the world!
And think about this: you’re allowed to keep library books for two weeks – but babies are yours for two decades (or more). And even then you can’t give them back!
Look, I’m a real softie when it comes to babies. But I’ve talked to hundreds of parents who (like me) had to learn the job from the bottom up. And they all say the same thing: nothing prepared them for the impact these little darlings would have on their neat’n’tidy lives.
They had no idea that this precious wee gift from God would make such unsightly stretch-marks, such awful noises, and such evil smells at three o’clock in the morning.
They never suspected that other mums and dads collapse into bed at night, accusing each other: “This wasn’t my idea – it was YOURS!”
Meanwhile, the baby habit’s not about to be broken. My grandparents had my parents. My parents had me. My kids have had kids, who are having kids, who will have kids, who will have kids …
For the time being, at least, the baby’s here to stay!
JOHN – GRAPEVINE’S FOUNDER & ‘BIG CHEESE’ – HAS OFTEN SAID, “IF I’D KNOWN THAT GRANDKIDS ARE SO MUCH FUN, I WOULD’VE HAD THEM FIRST!”
