Everything anxiety ever told you is a lie!

A CONVERSATION WITH DR TONI LINDSAY

But stress and worry shouldn’t dominate our lives – and they shouldn’t stop us doing what’s important. 

Dr Toni Lindsay is a clinical psychologist with over 15 years’ experience working with teenagers and young adults, and she’s written a practical easy-to-read book – ‘Everything Anxiety Ever Told You Is A Lie!’ – aimed at helping people understand their anxieties and move past the paralysis anxiety can cause. 

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GRAPEVINE: That’s a great book-title! But seriously, what do you mean: anxiety LIES to us?

DR TONI LINDSAY: Well, it does! Anxiety lies most of the time! Which is a problem, because we tend to trust whatever our brain tells us. We assume that the thoughts going around in our head are true – apart from the occasional fantastical idea that lets us escape for a bit: like dropping everything to go live on a tropical island and be waited on hand and foot! 

When it comes to anxiety, however, and things like depression, the fact/fiction balance of our thoughts gets out of whack. It becomes harder for our brain to tell if something we see as a threat is actually dangerous or harmful. 

And the fact is, if we’re anxious, most of our thoughts aren’t very rational.

One of my roles as a therapist is to help people put their inner experience into words – because we can get a very skewed perspective from those negative thought-spirals. All too often, it’s only when that thinking has become unwieldy and out of control that people end up coming to see me.

I acknowledge from the start that getting rid of anxiety entirely might not be possible – but that’s okay. The question, really, is what we’re going to do about it. Thoughts are just thought, after all. And, if they’re making you feel heavy and weighed down, it’s because of that snowball effect rather than the thoughts themselves.

GV: So it’s not so much about what we’re thinking? It’s about how that thinking makes us feel – right?

TONI: Definitely. The thought that “My life is terrible, and nobody’s ever going to love me …” is kind of the same, brain-wise, as the thought “I need to go to the supermarket …” It’s just that we put more weight on the first thought because its emotional. If you’re really anxious about going to the supermarket, then that supermarket thought will be really loaded as well. What makes me feel anxious may not make you feel anxious in the slightest – and vice versa. 

The value of seeing that ‘these are just thoughts’ is that you don’t have to actually DO anything about them. Maybe it’s enough right now to just notice that those thoughts are there. Maybe you can step back a bit more and ask yourself if that thought is reasonable or true. 

But, either way, the next step to work on is, “Now that this thought’s showed up, what am I going to do with it?”

GV: How can we know if we’re suffering from anxiety?

TONI: Anxiety usually takes one of two forms: 

Most people will experience one or the other. Some people experience both mental and physical types of anxiety. Then, at the extreme end of things, there are people experiencing panic attacks or OCD-type obsessive behaviours. 

But most folk we bump into – particularly young people – will have anxiety that’s consistent with their situation (a test at school, strife with friends, worry about not being good enough), and it’s mostly confined to those settings and spaces.

GV: But is it often hard for people to know what’s going on – that it’s anxiety they’re struggling with?

TONI: Yes, most definitely. Anxiety can show up in unexpected ways – and even if it’s ‘textbook’ anxiety the person dealing with it may not recognise anxiety for what it is. 

I remember one young guy who showed up with what seemed to be very typical symptoms of anxiety – but he’d never experienced it before, and had no idea what was going on. I was surprised to see how relieved he was when I suggested he was experiencing anxiety – but he explained: “Well, that’s good – because I can DO something about that!” He’d thought he was going MAD! 

There’s something really powerful about being able to ‘name’ what’s happening to someone else.

There are other unexpected ways that anxiety can show up. Being angry and irritable … getting frustrated more easily … avoiding certain situations or not being fully present … having nervous energy or moving around constantly. 

It can show up in sleeplessness: people can keep themselves busy and distracted during the day, but then when they try to relax, their thoughts start racing. And in kids, in particular, anxiety can come across as very challenging behaviour. 

GV: Does our upbringing (or childhood experience) shape how we respond to stress? 

TONI: Yes, of course. As kids, we learn from those closest to us, especially when it comes to emotion. The child of a parent with a severe panic disorder – like a mum or dad who’s terrified of leaving the house because they’re afraid the world’s going to harm them – that child is going to have a view that’s skewed towards seeing everything as a threat. 

On the other hand, having a parent who completely dismisses emotions – “Don’t worry about it – you’re fine!” – every time their child voices a concern, doesn’t stop you from having the really big feelings that are natural to kids and teenagers. It just forces you to suppress or hide those feelings. You’re never given the words for your emotions or the support to process them. 

GV:  What if none of those extremes is true in your family, but you’ve still got a child with anxiety? Is it just in their DNA – or is it something the parents are doing wrong? 

TONI:  There’s definitely a genetic component to it; we know that anxiety shows up in families from generation to generation. But it can be both nature and nurture – and I’m not saying that the parents are at fault or anything. But this is where acceptance can help. 

And that’s huge – because some of the lies that anxiety tells us are: You’re going to be paralysed by this! … There’s no way out of it! … and You need to worry about everything, because what if you don’t?!

Most people who are riddled with anxiety don’t know the answer to that last nagging question: What if I don’t worry about these things?! Somehow, those worries feel so big that the anxiety over it can bring their world screeching to a halt – and for what?! They’re not quite sure what they’re afraid of, and they can’t actually put into words what they’re worried might happen.

But that’s one of the things anxiety is really good at: making us run around in circles!

GV:  How do you explain what it feels like to someone who hasn’t experienced it before?

TONI:  I’m a fan of the ocean and surfing – and a wave seems like a perfect analogy for anxiety. When you’re out in the surf, how much you get smashed by the wave depends on where you are. If you’re near the back of the wave, the motion is gentler and it’s easy to jump off – but the further forward you go, the steeper it gets, and the faster that wave moves. 

With anxiety, if you can recognise when you’re starting to feel anxious, it’s easier to manage – like distracting yourself, getting out, catching up with friends, and trying to ignore it. But these coping-tools don’t tend to work as anxiety gets more complex. Our instinct is to try to get away – but, like the surfing analogy, as the anxiety grows, what you need to do is lean into it. If you sit on the back of the wave, you’re never going anywhere. You need to get onto the wave and use its momentum to propel you forwards. So the question becomes, Okay, the wave’s here and I’m on the wave – how can manage it as best I can? It’s no longer about getting rid of the wave, but about learning how to ride it.

There’s another analogy I find helpful: Anxiety’s like glitter – you throw it up in the air and it ends up everywhere. You’ll be finding it for ages afterwards in odd places, and you’ll wonder: How did you get here? At some point in our lives, most of us will have periods of greater anxiety. And it has this amazing capacity to spread and change and work its way into every aspect of our lives. Understanding this helps us to work with anxiety instead of fighting it or trying to get rid of it.

GV: Why shouldn’t we try to get rid of anxiety altogether? 

TONI:  Well, think about it: for early humans, anxiety helped them adapt. Those who were awake to the dangers that lurked everywhere were the ones who survived to pass along that risk-awareness to subsequent generations. The ones who just wanted to chill and pat the kitty when the sabretooth arrived did NOT live to tell the tale or pass along those genes! 

We’ve developed these hyper-tuned body systems to help us cope with threats. When people get anxious, they talk about ‘getting butterflies’ – and that’s a physiological reaction to danger, where the blood’s draining away from the stomach towards your legs so that you can run away! 

So anxiety is actually a very primitive mechanism for keeping us alive. 

In this modern world, with all our finely-tuned adaptations, most of us aren’t running away from tigers anymore. What we have got is social media, lots of pressure, and loads of perfectionism and competition – all of which combine with the mess our world seems to be in at the moment. These act as that ‘tiger’ for us … and our systems respond accordingly.

Anxiety, therefore, is a function of our brain trying to HELP us. Yes, wanting to get rid of anxiety is natural, because it can be uncomfortable and draining. But imagine what things would look like if we never got anxious … 

Imagine having to give a talk in front of a crowd (because that’s a very common no-no for most people). A normal response would be to feel nervous … short of breath … like your heart’s about to beat out of your chest. And all of that is a learned response – because if you look at our history, being the person who’s singled out has not traditionally been a good thing! Usually if you were standing up in front of a large group of people, something bad was about to happen! 

So not only is it understandable to be anxious in that situation – it’s actually really helpful! Studies show that people who have a bit of anxiety tend to perform better at stuff. 

So maybe, instead of seeing it as the enemy, we should make the most of anxiety by recognising when it shows up – and then managing it in a way that allows us to get the benefits without it taking over.

GV:  Recognise and manage anxiety? That sounds easier said than done …

TONI: When I’m dealing with young people, I often ask them, “What was going on in your mind at that point?” And they just look blank – because most people never think about thinking. And most of us don’t realise that our thoughts are something we can step back from and analyse … Like, “What do you MEAN, my brain might be telling me lies?” We just trust whatever our brain tells us. 

I primarily work with young people, and many of them just don’t have language yet for all these feelings. But creating characters to represent emotions – and giving them names (like ‘Anxiety Guy’) – allows them to imagine what these emotions might look like, and how they’d act, and then picture them all as guests at a party or whatever … 

I’m sure that some of the people who come to see me think I’m a bit nuts – but we actually have a lot of fun with it. I encourage them to figure out what these characters look like – Are they a little version of you, or a cartoon? For some people, they’re just colours or blobs – but just putting language and characters to these things makes it heaps easier to work with them.

GV:  So people imagine their emotions are sort of personified characters, and then think about how they’re behaving or interacting – right? So how does this help them?

TONI: Well, let’s say I’m seeing someone who’s struggling with anxiety. But the idea of thoughts and emotions can feel too abstract – so in our conversation, I might say, “Hmm – it sounds like the Anxiety Guy’s showed up. What’s he saying right now?” And it allows us a different perspective on it. 

I’ve got one patient who’s identified her self-protection mechanism as a character who shows up as ‘The Security Guard,’ and when people are engaging with her in a way she doesn’t like, she just shuts down. It’s like the guard is saying, “Access denied!” It’s a new perspective that allows us to work with their thoughts and emotions in different ways.

GV: Are there some ‘here and now’ exercises you can recommend for people to use in anxious moments? 

TONI: Yep, I’m in favour of learning and practising techniques for dealing with anxiety BEFORE you’re in a highly-anxious situation or state. Like, you wouldn’t wait until you’re on the centre court at Wimbledon to learn how to play tennis – preparation is key! So if you’re noticing that anxiety is starting to show up and you’re feeling unsettled or on edge, doing some things that help early on is much better than waiting until you’re on the top of the wave and it’s about to crash! 

(Full disclosure from me: I’m terrible at mindfulness! So, I get it when people tell me they just can’t do that. Most young people I meet are much better at it than I am, because they learn it in school from a young age. But they still might not have much tolerance for a drawn-out exercise – even less so if they’re unwell …)

I’m a huge fan of short, snappy exercises that can act as a circuit-breaker. Like sit with your eyes closed and listen out for five things you can hear. The first couple of things are usually easy – but then it gets harder, and you have to really tune in. 

(One caution: best not to do this calming exercise at night, especially just before you go to bed – because if you’re a bit anxious and you’re hearing funny noises, it’s going to have the opposite effect!)

Another really simple practice that’s hugely effective if you’re getting a lot of physical symptoms of anxiety is to slow down your breathing – because this signals to your body and brain that you’re safe. The way to do this is to practise six-second breathing – just inhale for three seconds and out for three seconds, and repeat. Counting helps, because it gives your brain something concrete to do instead of just panicking! Do this at least ten times (which takes a minute), or just keep going until you feel like you’re more settled. 

It’s also helpful to notice and intervene whenever you start getting too future-focused – because that’s where a lots of uncertainty and anxiety lies. So the goal here is to focus on the present. Come back to the ‘here-&-now’ by 

• paying attention to your breathing … 
• paying attention to sounds (like the five-things exercise above) … 
• putting on your headphones and listening particularly for one instrument in a piece of music (the drums work best) … 
• or just noticing that you’re having some anxious thoughts, and tuning into how that’s showing up in your body (tension, pain, or heartrate increase, perhaps). 

Tuning into the present is just a reminder that (usually) in this moment, right now, everything is okay. 

GV: Anything else you’d like our readers to know? 

TONI: I really want to acknowledge that today’s young people have a very tough go of it. I don’t think adolescence has ever been easy, but the current generation is facing a lot of heavy, overwhelming stuff. And I’d love to reassure them: hard stuff will happen, but you’ll be fine. 

Anxiety can simply come along for the ride – it’s just like a little guy who’s hanging out with you. And if you can nail that, you can pretty much nail most things in life. You’re okay! 

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TO LEARN MORE ABOUT DR TONI LINDSAY, CHECK OUT HER BOOK – ‘’EVERYTHING ANXIETY EVER TOLD YOU IS A LIE!’ – AVAILABLE AT ALL GOOD BOOK RETAILERS.