Home Sweet Home: How To Be Bald

Home Sweet Home: How To Be Bald

If you're going bald, the trick is not to worry about it. Worry leads to anxiety which leads to stress which leads to hair loss. In fact, if you're really happy about losing your hair, the chances are that it will stay put just to spite you.

How To Be Bald

Women rate baldness somewhere below webbed feet in what they are looking for in a man. Men know this, especially bald men. Thereafter, the approach of bald men is divided into those who worry about it greatly – and those who don’t really pay much attention to what women want on the basis that women never really know what they want.

If you’re going bald, the trick is not to worry about it. Worry leads to anxiety which leads to stress which leads to hair loss. In fact, if you’re really happy about losing your hair, the chances are that it will stay put just to spite you.

Hair transplants are where a small portion of hair-growing skin is taken from one part of your body and re-laid on your head in the same way that you turf a lawn. You may get new hair in this way, but your hairstyle will look suspiciously like an armpit and your head may give off a nasty locker-room tang.

Sidewinding is an alternative approach. Sidewinders look in the mirror and see a man with a full head of hair. Everyone else sees a baldie with a long strand of hair coiled on top of his head.

Once you’ve lost the final strands and you still can’t face the world without hair, the wig is your only option. Wigs come in two styles, laughable and ridiculous, and two colours, jet black and bleach blond. If you’re over 60 and you wear a jet black wig, people aren’t going to wonder why you haven’t got grey hair – they’re going to wonder why you don’t have any friends to tell you that you look like an extra from The Return of the Living Dead.

Most men lose their hair very gradually, so if you keep your hairstyle the same, people won’t notice it going (except at school reunions). Any drastic changes in hairstyle – such as switching from brushing back to brushing forward – instantly puts everyone on chrome-dome alert. Some men discover a little circle of skin blossoming on top of their head. You’ll know who these men are because they never allow you to get in a position where you can look down on them.

The difference between a receding hairline and genuine slapheadedness is the difference between recession and depression. You know you’ve finally left hair behind when you trust your partner to cut your hair because there really isn’t much damage they can do. Of course, the one consolation about being bald is that you are much, much better in bed than your hairy friends. Sadly, you’re unlikely to get much chance to prove it.
© GUY BROWNING IS AUTHOR OF ‘NEVER HIT A JELLYFISH WITH A SPADE’ – USED BY PERMISSION.

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